The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)

"Does your dog bite?" (Inspector Clouseau)
"No" (Shop keep)
Dog bites Clouseau.
"I thought you said your dog did not bite." (Clouseau)
"That is not my dog." (Shop keep)

" And third, that my hand is on fire." (Clouseau)

I thought for my what I assume is my 101st post, I would watch yet another Pink Panther. Undoubtedly this one is the silliest of the lot. So, naturally, I find it amazing. (It could also be that my parents had a bootleg copy of this movie that I watched many times as a child.) It's a Pink Panther so of course everyone should watch it. Is it a ground breaking and historic movie of merit? No. But, it does have Kato, a fabulous hunchback costume, Dreyfus and his dooms day device, the hideous screws on a chalkboard torture, that unnecessarily silly attractive Russian assassin, an Octoberfest full of ridiculous killers, and,of course, The Pink Panther song.

Ratings:

Comedic gaggers: see it

Simpsons writers: you had to have seen it. (I hope all the gags of Clouseau trying to get across the most made their way into episodes.)

Accenters: a must

Costumed Assassins: see it

Hunchbacks: ok you might want to skip this one.

On a scale of 1 hour in Helsinki to 12 hours in Helsinki, I give The Pink Panther Strikes Again 3.4 out of 5 stars.

Bridesmaids (2011)

"It's coming out like lava!!"  (Megan)

"I want to apologize.  I'm not even confident of which end that came out of." (Megan)

 "Female fight club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn't know so it's 'Surprise, we're going to fight!" (Megan)

Poop, vomit, and all other body functions and secretions are still funny.  Always will be.  Yup.  Farts (ahahahahahahah!!!!)  

However, a newer, distastefully chic, and unbelievably funny phenomenon has been taking hold of American comedies for the past oh 15 years.  I like to call it: The Cringe joke.  Typically, I think of jokes as being the back beat rhythm to any great comedy.  Their short, linguistically, culturally, and/or scatologically playful pieces that keep a movie going strong.  (chuckles all around.)  But, a Cringe joke is a joke with no punchline that just keeps going and going and going and going, all the while getting worse and worse and worse until you as the audience can't stand it.  (Please make it stop!!!)  I find these kind of sequences and jokes to be incredibly funny, but a serious drain on my morale and psyche.  This is what happened to me while I was watching Bridesmaids.  Kristen Wiig is giving her maid of honor speech at the engagement party and continues to get upstaged by Helen.  So Kirsten tries to upstage Helen back..but, just makes matters worse and worse.  It takes about 5 minutes out of a movie that is 2 hours and 5 minutes. AKA 4% of the movie is this one joke.  The scene is well cut and well acted.  I actually yelled out to my TV, "Make it stop!"

Ratings:

Bridezillas:  See it

Got 100% commitment?:  Just watch Melissa McCarthy devour her role at 100mph.

From Milwaukee :  See it.  (I can't really think of any other movies set in Milwaukee.)    

Fear flying?:  Skip it.  My nightmares about flying are less trauma inducing than their flight to Las Vegas.  

Grooms:  Skip it.  (The one in this movie is absolutely non-existent.)

On a scale from  Hershey's Kisses to Baby Ruths, I give Bridesmaids 3.6 out of 5 stars.  


      

13 Assassins (2010)

"How can you kick his head? He gave his life for you." (Shinzaemon Shimada)

Upon watching 13 Assassins I've once again realized an immutable truth.  One can never be completely debt free.  EVER.  Try as one might to be completely independent, self-sufficient, and a rock, one will always owe those that came before more than one can ever repay.  My life is built upon the sacrifice and genius of centuries of ancestors.  I cannot repay all that they have given to me.  Impossible.  

Which leads to my point.  13 Assassins is a very good movie.  Its direction is superb.  Its actors are spot on.  The sets, costumes dialog, shot selection, and story are impeccable.  But, I recommend everybody watch "The Seven Samurai" first.  I think Takashi Miike (the director) might even agree.  The debt that 13 Assassins owes to its cinematic forefathers is insurmountable.  This is not in any way a "slam" on the movie.  It is not.  For me to state that one should watch one of the TRUE CLASSICS in order to appreciate 13 Assassins is a compliment.  From here on out, all other samurai films will be judged on 13 Assassins as a worthy part of the pantheon.

I would also like to say that I appreciate the craft and dedication that went into making 13 Assassins.  In Takashi Miike's other movies, "Audition", "Ichi the Killer", "Visitor Q" I've always left feeling rather queasy.  It's not that I didn't respect or appreciate those movies.  I just have little interest in watching them again.  (Please, don't make me go back there.)  I was not surprised at Takashi Miike's ability to change styles, sequences, themes, and procedures, but I was surprised that he took on such a seemingly tame project.  My respect for Takashi Miike has increased.

Ratings:

Samurai wannabes:  See it

SMAP lovers:  See it -OK so I have in the past always ragged on Inagaki Goro as being the weakest member of SMAP, but his portrayal of the evil lord Naritsugu is chilling.  天晴れ！！

Yakusho Koji:  Take a bow.  You, too, were awesome.

Real swords men: Skip it.  This movie is about movie swordplay.  It looks great and is emotionally fantastic, but not real.  (I don't care.)

Kurosawa-sama:  See it.  I think you would appreciate where your legacy has gone.

On a scale from, bad natto that you found in the back of a 711 at the end of the day to perfectly prepared rice from Nigata prefecture with just a touch of moon salt, I give 13 Assassins 4.2 out of 5 stars.  



 

The Graduate (1967)

"A Ford!! Goddamit. A Ford.  That's great! Mrs. Robinson."  (Ben)

I'd always heard about The Graduate from other people, but I'd never seen it.  (Yes, I was a Graduate virgin.)  I was sort of sad that I expected it to disappoint me.  Before watching it, I thought it was going to be like a Nerf-dart gun experience.  -great looking in commercials, slightly rebellious, still safe, highly inaccurate  and breaks down after 2-3 uses.  However, to my surprise, (I really shouldn't have been.  This is regarded as a classic, after-all.)  The Graduate is a phenomenal movie and deserves inclusion into the term art.

I admit that I have troupes and story telling devices that I enjoy and some that I don't.  One of that I truly enjoy is the use of background and foreground in contrast.  The Graduate and its director and cinematographer (Mike Nichols and Robert Surtees) seem to have an innate understanding of how to use the entire canvass of a shot to better tell the story.  I loved the SCUBA shots. It made everything seem close. I loved the long shots -like in the church at the end.)  I loved the dark shots -when Ben was with Mrs. Robinson.  I even thought that they way that the shots just played with the audience in terms of the SEX, was A: far more alluring, B: far more tasteful, and C: made for a better and more captivating story.  Well done.

Ratings:

College Grads:  See it

Cougars:  See it  (Anne Bancroft, Whoa!!!!)

Music montage-ists:  See it.  Yup, Simon and Garfunkel at their best.

Love BeWitched?:  See it.  I am such a nerd that I recognized two of the minor actresses as Aunt Clara and Esmeralda.

Actors:  See it.  I loved basically every performance.

On a scale of the first time to the last time, I give The Graduate 4.1 out of 5 stars.  

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

"If it loses...We eats it whole."  (Gollum/Smeagol)

I will admit that the Hobbit as a film is not incredible.  It does not live up to the lofty mark set by its cousins.  But, it never could.  So, I am not disappointed with it.  (No one should be, really.)  I actually loved it.  I even saw it in 3D with the high frame rate.  I thought the Dwarves were fantastic.  Biffer with the ax piece still in his head.  Boffer with his silly hat.  Dwalin with with his snarl.  Gloin with his ear trumpet. (Yeah, that's a thing and it's back.) Balin and his beard. And an incredible bit of acting to bring Thorin to life.  Also, Radagast the Brown is great.  I love that his sleigh is pulled by rabbits, and that Saurman accuses him of having his mind addled by mushrooms.  (Christopher Lee is 90 years old.)  Additionally, I thought the Goblin King with the giant "waddle" was the best monster I have seen in like 4 years.  Just so gross......  But, yeah, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is basically a marginally above average movie that I thoroughly enjoyed. I look forward to part II.

Ratings:

Hobbits:  See it

Set designers: See it

Monster makers: See it

Upset Fan boys:  See it.  Get upset.  Don't tell me all about it.  Make you own Hobbit movie to soothe your entitlement.  I'll watch it.  I'll even put it up on the blog.  

Book Purists:  Don't see it.  I assume that because you are a book purist you wouldn't want to.  But if for some reason you do, and again because you are a book purist, I am sure that you would have tons of snarky critiques for this movie. Please don't whine to me.  

On a scale of love you never went for to a slap in the face, I give The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3 out of 4 stars.    

                

The King's Speech (2010)

"We don't pop." (The queen mother)

While, I do enjoy historical dramas.  I don't normally enjoy "based on a true story" historical relationship dramatizations.  Somehow, my interpretations, and expectations are never met.  Admittedly, I went into this movie with basically no knowledge of the history of the British monarchy before QEII. So, that's probably why I found The King's Speech to be well-crafted, personable, and touching.

I'm not sure why, but I actually wasn't all that impressed by Colin Firth's performance.  Admittedly, he had an impeccable stutter and I loved the bit when he became a penguin, but I thought the real acting stars were Helena Carter and Geoffry Rush.  Mrs. Carter was impeccable as my idea of the mother monarch back in the 1920s and 30s.  Her accent and acting decisions coupled with the way the character was written are a perfect compliment.  "ah- The Johnsons?"

As for Mr. Rush, as an American I, often to my own peril, sometimes forget that not all Englishmen are alike.  (My head is often full of stereotypes.  I'm sorry, but....I always think of British TV as Benny Hill hahaha.)  And I also then fall into the trap of lumping all formerly British Colonies (Not USA or Canada) into one giant conception of "British".  So, when Mr. Logue keeps getting rebuffed by the Brits for being an Aussie or being "from the colonies", it was welcome slap in the face of my simplistic generalist understanding of British society.  I also enjoyed they way Mr. Rush played into his outsiderness in the face of the Archbishop of Canterbury (Derek Jacobi).  "They've all been knighted." (Prince of Wales) "Makes it official then." (Lionel Logue)

Ratings

Speech pathologists:  I'm sure it goes against all teachings..but See it anyway.

Actors:  See it

British Mums:  See it and live out the whole "Queen is going stop over for tea scene."

Churchill:  Is it a law that you have to be in every British movie?

Short of attention span?:  Skip it   (How did you pay attention long enough to read my blog post to this point?)

On a scale of Demosthenes to chubby bunny, I give The King's speech 3.8 out of 5 stars.

Clue (1985)

" I'm Wadsworth.  I'm the butler." (Wadsworth)
" And what do you do, sir?" (Col. Mustard)
" I butle, sir."  (Wadsworth)

I remember watching Clue for the first time in 1997ish and thinking, "whoa, this movie makes so much sense.  I get it.  I get it".  Yet on repeat viewings, it has become very clear that I know nothing.

I'm going to go ahead and novelize the executive board meeting when Clue was pitched in 1983.  Imagine, if you will, a long table with 9 men, 4 on each side and one at the head, all dressed in suits.  Our hero walks in the door and says "gentleman.  I'm sure that you have all played the classic game of Clue with your families.  You know, the game where one is expected to keep solve a mystery from generally fake information because your children and wives can't help but lie for personal advantage?  Yes, that game.  I really think that Clue deserves a full length feature release movie that can capitalize on its extremely loyal fanbase.  I also think that to do justice to the extremely thick back story, the film will have to have three distinct and convoluted endings.  Wattda you say?"

They gave this man money.  15 million to be exact.  (I hope he got paid on some sort of sliding incentive scale.)

In truth, I have a soft spot for Clue.  I love the cast.  I love the script.  I love the way the ending is a choose your own adventure.  But, the best thing about clue is that it was MADE.

Ratings:

Settlers of Catan:  I can't wait to see the movie.

Spinal Tap:  One of you bandmates took time away from music to make this.

Tim Curry aficionados:  See it

Hungry Hungry Hippos:  Also can't wait to see the movie.

Demand continuity in your films?:  See it for the effort, or skip it for the shame of how many errors that one could find that might contradict the multiple endings.

On a scale of poker with chips to poker with Lucky Charms, I give Clue 3.4 out of 5 stars.    

     

Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader (2012)

"Whoa, you're like 50 feet tall." (just some dude in the movie)

Yes, I watched this too.  It was the only thing I could do after watching In the Name of the King (ItNotK).  Sometimes the best solution to being trapped in a hole is to dig up.

There is no need to describe this movie.  Take the title, add a simple plot and some nudity.  That's it.

Ratings:

Me: My plan worked.  I basically forgot about ItNotK.

Looking for a porn?:  Skip it.  If you watch this for the nudity, you are in fact worse than this film.

Got anything else that you could be doing?:  Skip this movie and do that.

Script peddlers:  Someone bought the rights to this and said "Yup, I think this could make me some money." -It probably did.

Women with self-respect and intelligence:  Please don't watch this film of horrible gender stereotypes, and please don't judge me for having seen it.

On a scale of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure to Bikini Bistro, I give Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader 1.4 out of 5 stars.

(Yes, those are both real titles of movies.  I didn't even have to make them up.)

In the name of the King: a dungeon siege tale (2008)

"Whoa! wait? Huh? Is that?  How did...? Are those ninjas?" (Me during the movie)

UGGHHHHHHHHH so yeah this movie happened.  And I watched it.  All of it.  If it weren't for this blog, I would never speak of having seen it.

There are only two people who came out of this movie without being completely tainted by its awful: Jason Statham, and maybe maybe John Rhys-davies.  Jason Statham manages to put no heart, soul, or effort, into his performance and therefore having had the courage to get a pay check and not try, he wins.  I'm really not sure what could tarnish the career of JRD, but it takes more than this cinematic atrocity   Everyone else in this movie is awful, and the fact that you could tell they were trying so hard made it all the worse.

In addition to the aforementioned terrible acting, In the Name of the King violates what should be a central tenant for those in the motion picture business.  DO NOT MAKE MOVIES BASED ON VIDEO GAMES.  When you do; In the Name of the King happens.   

Finally, I have to give a particular many thumbs way down to the plot, direction, pace, and script of In the Name of the King.  From start to finish, it makes no sense and is hard to follow.  It lingers on plot, characters and themes that don't matter, and glosses over everything that would be important to the audience in favor of many many many terrible sweeping battle action sequences.  Yeouch.

Ratings:

Uwe Bole:  I don't know how you can redeem youself...but this was not a good showing for you.

Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds:  Skip it.  Don't watch your own performances

Dates:  Based on your awful choice of movies, you never got another one, did you?  

Love to shake your head in shame?:  Know that there is a direct to DVD sequel starring Dolph Lundgren

Cast of "She's all that"( 1998):  Watch your alumni Mattew Lillard

On a scale of Kull the Conqueror to the bad guys of the movie "The Krug", I give In the Name of the King: a Dungeon Siege Tale 1.2 out of 5 stars.

Remember the Titans (2000)

"You over cooking my grits, Coach." (Coach Boone)
"I'm a winner.  I'm going to win." (Coach Boone)

I think this blog is starting to really coalesce my thoughts on movies.  For this post I'm going to draw parallels between my posts on Capt. America and Rudy to hopefully make my point about Remember the Titans.  I think this is sort of the true magic of Disney.

I've spoken before about there being an absolute structure and path for basically all "sports movies" -Rudy- Remember the Titans is no different.

A Virginia town is torn apart my racial integration.
Young men, a school district, a community, and a football team are threatened by destruction
A lone wolf coach (Denzel Washington) becomes the new head coach and through hard lessons and work shows the team and the community at large the value of one's inner worth. (Oh yeah, and they win; overcoming a myriad of fiendish obstacles: The School Board, Rascist referees, and genius opposition coaching- cue inspirational sports music.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLVyhWDnSOI)

Yeah, this works on me every time.

However, this was a radical departure for Disney when they made it.  Disney hadn't made a sports movie in quite some time.  Could they pull off the genre?  What I realized upon this viewing was that, actually, Disney ensured their success by following the same four rules I outlined in my Captain America Post.

1.  They maintained a tight focus on the emotional core of the movie and our relevant characters.  There was no wasted film.

2.  They hired excellent actors:  Denzel, Will Patton, Wood Harris -yeah Avon Barksdale-, Donald Faison-Turk-, Hayden Panetteire, the big man from My Name is Earl Ethan Suplee, and wait for it Ryan Gosling.  Yeah,  Cast of studs.  Check.

3.  Excellent use of soundtrack and montages.  I think it is sort of Catch -22 with sports movies that the more actual sports you show, the less powerful and exciting the sports shots become.  So, through the magical use of soundtrack and montage, the Titans win game after game after game.  Check

4. Profit.  And they did.

Seems like Disney actually has this sort of think down to a science.

Ratings:

Dancers:  See it

Rydell High Schoolers:  Skip it

Football players:  You've all seen it

Can't stand the same sort of story you've heard before: Skip it

Hey Gurl: yup...Ryan Gosling is in this.

On a scale from, "My name is Earl Warren" to "Warren Burger King", I give Remember the Titans 3.4 out of 5 stars.

True Grit (2010 & 1969)

"Well little sister..." (Rooster Cogburn)
"I usually go backward when I'm backing up." (Rooster Cogburn)
"The Texas Ranger: ever stalwart." (Le Beef)

I thought it would be fun to watch both versions of True Grit and compare them.  I think what would be possibly more interesting now would be to read the book.  I get the feeling like neither of and both of these movies are true to the book.

On the whole, I liked the Cohen brothers' movie better.  But, I am younger, attuned to Cohen style, and appreciate more modern cut schemes, so I might not be the best judge.  I think there is a good deal of value to be understood from someone more schooled in "classic style" cinema.

What I find interesting is the choices that the filmmakers made.  In one movie, Mattie loses an arm.  In the other she doesn't.  In one movie LeBeouf lives, in the other he dies.  I don't know what happened in the book, but I would guess that it is not a "somewhere in between" sort of story.  So I looked it up, and it turns out that in the book, Mattie loses the arm.  I'm having a little trouble understanding why the movie makers would choose to change such a critical outcome of the story.  I also wondered a lot about how much the Cohen's wanted to emulate the original?  Many of the lines are verbatim.     

Here are some other things I learned from watching both movies back to back.  John Wayne was just as good an actor as Jeff Bridges. I liked Bridges' character and voice more...but Wayne pulled off swagger in way Bridges could not.  I also learned that Matt Damon is a way better actor than Glen Campbell.  (Sorry, Glen.)  Oh, and seeing Robert Duval and Dennis Hopper's parts played out by different actors but with uncharacteristic procession was very cool.

Ratings:

Cowboys: See them

I eard uuus beeen drwincn too harm: See them

Medicine men bear coats: See them

Bargainers:  See it

Those that want to get their way in everything: See it

On a scale from hard tack to flapjacks, I give True Grits 3.9 out of 5 stars.

Skyfall (2012)

"Bond, James Bond."

James Bond movies have been around for 50 years.  Take that in for a moment.  50 years.  Is there a longer running franchise?  If we were to do a survey of global citizenry, James Bond might be more well known than John Wayne and the Beatles.  ( I think.)

That was where my head was when I went into the theater.  How can anyone think they can be original, inventive, true to the genre, meaningful, and above all deliver on BOND?  My answer was that one can't.  The best I was hoping for was a "Goldeneye" or "Casino Royale", and the worst was a "Moonraker" or "Die Another Day".  (-the best part is that I would completely forgive the worsts and still demand more bond.  Boy, do we have brand loyalty.)

Yet, Skyfall is a Bond apart.  It is neither campy nor above making fun of itself.  It follows none of the Bond protocols and troupes and all of them, all at once.  Some may claim that, "you can't be everything to everyone."  To that I say, in a franchise with as much history as James Bond, that has been everything to everyone at some point in the last half century, there are no rules or absolutes that apply.  In a unique way, James Bond can do anything.

So yeah, I liked it.  I actually loved it.  This is the first Bond that I can remember that wasn't about world domination or stopping a war.  Skyfall is about people.  It's a personal Bond.  Our villain shows and tells the audience that he could try to take over the world, but for the maniacal,  the world has gotten too small.  It's too easy he says.  In a weird way, Skyfall has reset the clock back to 1962.  Our perceptions are now back to the personal from the global.  From outward villains to inward villains.

Oh, and I loved the concept of a broken Bond.  It was fantastic storytelling to show us the audience some truth and not just the suit and gadgets.

Ratings:

Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, George Lazenby:  See it  (I would love to see all of you on Inside the Actor's Studio together.)

Ralph Fiennes:  See it  ( I look forward to you in more Bonds.)

Villains of dubious repute:  See it

Malcontents:  Skip it  (Why do you go to movies anyway?)

Steven Spielberg:  You produced this and for that I am grateful.

On a scale from Jane Seymore to Terri Hatcher to Michelle Yeoh to Famke Jansen to Ursula Andress and Minnie Driver (Did you forget that she has a bit part in Goldeneye?), I give Skyfall 3.89 out of 5 stars.  

Braveheart (1995)

"In order to find his equal, and Irishman is forced to talk to God.  Yes, Father."  (Stephen)

I think the wonderful thing about Braveheart, in the abstract, is that it has become a one word cultural touchstone and treatise on defiance.  All you have to do is yell at the top of you lungs "FREEDOM" and suddenly you are William Wallace.  When your sports team is losing, and you all know it, good captains tell their teams "They may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom."  -I've lost countless Ultimate matches that way.  At least for those that were around during 1995 blue face paint, flames and kilts are synonymous with defiant rejection of authority.  I would label this movie iconic.

As I was watching Braveheart, this time, I could help but snigger when I thought about the movie without the soundtrack.  It suddenly became one endless Monty Python and the Holy Grail epic running towards camera joke.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFufoOgCMW8  Seriously, Braveheart has so many shots of Scots and army men running it is borderline absurd.  However, the reason that this had never crossed my mind until like my 4th viewing is that the soundtrack and music are just that good.  It takes the absurd and pedantic and makes it legendary.  While it may not be the best score of all time, the Braveheart soundtrack is the movies clear MVP.  All the rest is for not without it.

Ratings

David O'hara:  Your Stephen was wonderful performance.

Real Scotsman from the 1300s:  Skip it  (This movie is so inaccurate.)

Teenagers:  See it -learn what real defiance is.

Mel Gibson:  See it  (You were so awesome.)

Hair enthusiasts:  See it (Some of the best hair; head, facial, and otherwise in a movie ever)  

On a scale of " at the age of 80 warm in your own bed with a belly full of wine" to "On the field of battle in defiance of tyranny", I give Braveheart 4 out of 5 stars.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

"ism's, in my opinion, are not good." Ferris Bueller

I'm going to make this short.  Watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgd46QiHz4I

If you don't smile........perhaps you should visit a doctor's office.

Ratings

Craftsmen: See it

ChicagoLanders: Seen it many times

Truants:  See it

Abe Froman:  You're the sausage king of Chicago!  See it

Car Enthusiasts:  That Ferrari is so gorgeous.  I don't even like cars and I love it.

On a scale of Staying back another year in High School to a day game at Wrigley with your best friends in May, I give Ferris Bueller's Day Off 3.9 out of 5 stars.

The Campaign (2012)

"Cam Brady:  He's a real man's man."  (Slogan of a Cam Brady commercial)

Welcome back Will Ferrell.  I know you never left, but....I didn't really laugh at some of you more recent movies so, welcome back to funny.

Yup, The Campaign is funny.  It is not particularly smart, timely, truthful, wistful, important, endearing, or worthy of my long term memory.  But it is funny.  I can't really think of a point in the movie that did not make me chuckle.  My theater going experience included a live laugh-track.

I would also like to see Jay Roach direct more movies.  I believe he has a wonderful natural eye for when to use unique camera angles and approaches.  The switch-over to "COPS shot" for when Cam Brady steals the police car was a stroke of genius.

Ratings:

Casting agents:  See it

Potty mouths:  See it

Chinese markets:  Skip it

Dog enthusiasts:  See it

Frank Capra: Skip it   (You would cry.)

On a scale of "my chad is hanging" to "this chad is pregnant with my son", I give The Campaign 3.45 out of 5 stars.

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

"We have the White Wizard.  That has to count for something." (Pippin)
"And they doesn't taste very nice, does they, Precious?" (Gollum)
"You go to war, but not to victory." (Elrond)
"Do you think the eyes of the white tower are blind, Mithrandir?" (Lord Denathor)

While this is not a TRUTH, I find it true that there is no substitute for the feeling and experience how, when, and where you see a movie for the first time.  Hell Raiser III will always have a special place in my personal movie lore because I watched it clandestinely with my brother at 9 years old when we weren't supposed to.  The danger element cannot be replicated with more viewings.  This is how I feel about final chapter of the Lord of the Rings.

My story:  One would think that my story would involve going out on a snowy night in December of 2003, but, in-truth, I saw The Return of the King for the first time on February 14th of 2004 at 10am in a small cinema in Namba, Osaka (I skipped school.) because the movie wasn't released in Japan in conjunction with the Worldwide release.  Yup, I willfully denied myself media, spoilers, talking with friends, and all general communications for two months, just so I could have an authentic "first-time" experience.  It was extremely difficult.  I was paranoid about conversations and friends.  It was like plugging my ears and blathering to myself to drown out all talk.  "I'm not listening" -Gollum.  Needless to explain to nerds, my anticipation was off the charts.  And.....

It was totally WORTH IT!!  The Return of the King is mindnumbingly stupendous.  Bordering on 10 years later it still sets the absolute standard for ensemble performances, technical wizardry, story telling, and pure BATTLE.  Despite the diminishing returns I imposed on myself from the first time, I still get chills and a little bit of heart swell, when Theoden rallies his men to charge the seemingly innumerable Orcish horde.  That's magic.

Ratings:

Joss Whedon:  You're the one man who I might even trust to ever let me get this hyped up about a thing...so please be careful with that power.

James Cameron: You're good...but this is what you should strive for.

Conductors:  This is how you should perform the last movement

Therapists:  Did you notice an uptick in depression related services due to Post Elation Stress Disorder?

Dates:  Yeah in Japan the movie came out over Valentines, so it was marketed as a couples event.  There were posters talking about its love story, and how there was something for you and her.  (It was a little weird from my perspective...but eh, it worked.)

On a scale from Everest to the Marianna trench, I give Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King 4.7 out of 5 stars.

Cabin Boy (1994)

"I'm sorry, sir.  But, I was just wondering what drifters corpse you stole those shoes from." (Nathaniel Merryweather- Christ Elliot)

The last time I saw this was half asleep on a Sunday afternoon laying on my couch not paying attention to TBS circa 1997.  It hasn't gotten better.  It hasn't gotten worse either, so.......

Basically, Cabin Boy requires so much suspensions of disbelief it's disbelievable.  Even if you just go with it and let it be, it still doesn't make sense.  It was like if Jim Henson, and Barron Von Munchaussen had worked together on a pirate-esque movie.  Chris Elliot's shtick wears thin quick, but who cares.  Bill Murray's brother, The manager from Major League I and II, and Andy Richter keep it lively.

Cabin Boy is pretty quotable, but not the kind of one liners that stick with you more than a day.

Finally, after doing some research as to why Tim Burton didn't direct the movie, I couldn't find a solid answer. I wish he had directed it, if only to add on to the insanity.  Trying to bring rationality to this film would be a crime.

Ratings:

Daaaaavid Letterman:  yup

Monty Python Members:  I would have loved to see this movie star all of you.

Sharkey:  Bizarre

Writers: Skip it

Salty Dogs:  See it

On a scale of scurvy to rickets, I give Cabin Boy 2.0 out of 5 stars.

 

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

"You don't have any friends.  Nobody likes you." (Gollum)
"Give me your name horsemaster, and I shall give you mine." (Gimli)
"We agree..................You are not Orcs." (Treebeard)

Thesis:  Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is the greatest achievement of the Trilogy.  (It is not my favorite or the best.)

1. Movies middles are the hardest to craft thematically.
        A. They lack a clear Beginning and End.
               a. The story was started in Part I
               b. The true emotional/plot payoff is in Part III
        B. The emotional and character arcs are artificial
               a. As the book was written to be one part, the total arc is through 3 parts not just the middle
               b. Watching a middle of middle emotional change would be boring
2. Expectations were through the roof.
        A. Part I was a smashing success
               a. Yes, they were all filmed at the same time, but does that mean the movies won't fall off?
               b. Remember the Matrix II and III?
3. Technical worries
        A. Gollum
             a. Remember Jar Jar?  (Me neither.)
        B. Viewers getting confused
             a. There are three distinctly different stories with 14 main characters.
             b. The main villains don't interact with our heroes and one is a "ancient malevolent spirit of doom" with no real shape.
             c.  Location Location Location
4. The Battle for Helm's Deep
            a.  If the battle was lame....the whole trilogy was screwed.
            b.  If the battle was too good....part III was screwed
            c.  Holding a views attention

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers was a huge triumph.  It was not preordained.  In retrospect it seems like a no brainer...but, I think we should all reconsider our respect for Part II.

Ratings:

Orukhai:  BLARRHGGHHGHGHGH

Sauron: See your doom coming from a far

Zulu: Everybody watch you and marvel at the tension building technique

Film Scholars:  See it

Nerds:  Probably watch it once a year

On a scale from Letters to Emails, I give Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi (2011)

"If you don't love good food, you can't possibly make great food." (Jiro Ono)

Perfection doesn't exist.  If it does, it is fleeting and should be honored.  That's the truth when it comes to Jiro Dreams of Sushi.  It is a celebration and eulogy for the craft, honor, dedication, and skill that molds into one moment of perfection: Sushi.

I am a huge seafood and sushi hondo.  I worked selling fish, I cook seafood all the time, I even dabble in reasonable home-made maki and edo style sushi...and, I would pay the full cost with a smile on my face to eat the food in this movie.  If it could possibly be half as delicious as it looks through the distortion of media, I would be blown off my chair and hurt myself.

While watching Jiro Dreams of Sushi, I couldn't help but notice the semi-somber tone it encapsulated.  Without saying it directly, the real purpose of the move is to highlight the final autumn of a culinary age.  Jiro is old.  He won't be back again.  His tradition goes on, but it may never be exactly the same again.  I'm glad the movie didn't devolve into a discussion of the death of Japanese work ethic or lament the passing of dedication as virtue.  That would trivialize the true meaning of Jiro's work and the sushi.

Lastly, I don't make literary comparisons all that often...as I think crossing mediums does not serve to illuminate art as a stand-alone.  But, I really felt a strong connection between Jiro's sense of quality and "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle".  The pursuit of quality and skill through dedication, feel, and art is worth our appreciation.

Ratings

Hungry:  See it

Super hungry:  Skip it

Hate fish:  Skip it

Slack much?:  Skip it/ See it   (it might change your life.)

Probationary apprentices:  See it  (Know what you are getting into.)

On a scale of Blue Monkfish to Thelonious Monkfish, I give Jiro Dreams of Sushi, 3.4 out of 5 stars.  

Tommy Boy (1995)

"Hey, quit playin with your dingy."  (Tommy Callahan)

Sometimes one should leave well enough alone.  Yup, that's how I feel about Tommy Boy.  I probably saw Tommy Boy in 95, 98, 99, 03, and  few more times that I've forgotten.  Each time I see it, I sort of wish I could forget I watched it so as not to muddy the memory

If one could only be 10 or 11 and watch Tommy Boy for the first time all the time.  That would be pretty great.

All in all.  Tommy Boy is a blah movie that has a great deal of nostalgia attached to it for me that sadly diminishing over time.  "Fat guy in a little coat."  Yup, Chris Farley and David Spade are pretty great. They were a little like Laruel and Hardy.  Other than that, Brian Dennehy has great 15 minutes, and Rob Lowe is awful.

Oh and way to keep the whole "singin like bros" thing from Wayne's World alive.  It's sort of become a cliche now...but I love it.

Ratings

Bros:  Skip it

Salesmen:  See it

Business students: See it

Critics: Get far far away

Beverly Hill's ninjas:  See it

On a scale of D+ to D*, I give Tommy Boy 2.95 out of 5 stars.    

Network (1976)

"YOU HAVE MEDDLED WITH THE FORCES OF NATURE MR. BEAL!!!" (Warren Beatty)

Huh?  So that was Network?  Huh?  I get it.  I get it.  But strangely, I'm not sure that one can ever "get" Network, and that may be part of its brilliance.

Yes, I generally agree with Network's admirers in that it may, in fact, be worthy of a top 100 AFI listing.  It is that good.  But, what astounds me is that everyone seems to agree, quote, drone, and repeat like the "sheep" that are the point of the movie.  From my perspective of having watched it for the first time in 2012, I am struck not by its satire or absurdity, but by its commitment to truth.  The ultimate absurdity of the film is that what was then considered risque, unprofessional, and a breach of character is now passe.  This movie  has become the very "Mad Prophet" that it was intended to lampoon: the first harbinger of what mass consumed communitainement would become.  A Generation Y audience, would probably agree that what happens in this very film is exactly what goes on at a Communications Corporation.  Truth or no Truth.  It's scary stuff.

Ratings:

Fox News: look into the mirror

CNN:  Look into your future

Real news men:  See it and weep

Ever wanted to break your perspective?:  See it

Actors:  See it  (Every performance is incredible.)

On a scale from TRUTH to turth, I give Network 4 out of 5 stars.  

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (1999)

"!#@!&*&$%#%%*&^*)*_)*^&*^%&%$^$#%#@$@##@$##@@!!!!#^$^%$^&%$, Barbra Streisand." [Eric Cartman]

When I was watching this, it was a testament to Trey Parker and Matt Stone's genius that for about 40 minutes I forgot that South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut was released 13 years ago.  13 years!  It blows my mind.

Now that I have seen this movie 3 times, I can state that this movie is in fact a work of genius.  Yes, it is crude, senseless, juvenile, full of potty mouth, constantly inappropriate, flagrantly disrespectful, and a tour de force of the socially unacceptable.  It is also clear from the tone of the movie that the creators response to all of this negative attention is "AND?"  (They don't care.  This movie is on their terms...not ours.)  If you are morally, psychologically, politically, ethnographically, or ecumenically opposed to South Park's posture.  TOUGH...don't watch it.

I think the first real genius point I noticed in South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut upon this viewing was that Trey Parker and Matt Stone actually made a meta-film about their own experience from social reactionaries.  I know, probably others caught on to this way before I did, but still, the whole concept of a movie about negative social reaction to your own movie is brilliant.

Secondly, I have to just give my hats off to basically every single song in the movie.  Each one is  work of a true master by itself...but to have them all in one movie is just an overload.

"Wellllllllllllllllll'  [Cartman)
"Don't say it Cartman" [Kyle]
"Weeeeeeeelllllllllllllllll" [ Cartman]
"I'm warning you." [Kyle]
"Wellll, Kyle's mom's a...."[Cartman]

"Up there, there's so much room, where babies burp and flowers bloom, everyone dreams, I can dream too, up there, up there."  [Satan]

'You see the distant flames they bellow in the night, you fight in all our names for what we know is right, and when you all get shot,and cannot carry on, though you die, La Resistance lives on.  You may get stabbed in the head by a dagger or a sword, you may burned to death or skinned alive or worse. But when they torture you, you won't feel the need to run for, though you die, La Resistance lives on." [Gregory]

Oh, and I think it's great to have more homages to The Pirates of Penzance in movies.

Ratings:

Gilbert and Sullivan:  See it

MANL (Mother's Against Naughty Language):  You really should see it with an open heart and mind...but

Free Speechists:  Obviously See it

Canadians:  Yup, must see

George Clooney:  You were in this movie.  You saw it.

On a  scale of Don Quixote to the RNC, I give South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut 4 out of 5 stars.


   

Leon: The Professional (1994)

"What?  It's John Wayne."  [Leon] Jean Russo

There is a lot I could talk about in this often missed classic; Jean Russo, and Luc Besson should give classes on how to actually make a bad-ass cinematically; This was Natalie Portman's movie debut and she is way way way too young to give a performance like this; and Luc Basson accomplishes a veritable double back double twist with no splash, by successfully creating a basically impossible balance of heart, suspense, and action.  But,

I want to talk about Gary Oldman.  I've been trying to think for the past like 5 minutes of a movie where I didn't just love Gary Oldman.  He is a consummate professional.  I even watched a terrible movie where he could have totally phoned in a check...and nope his performance was perfect.  In The Professional, Gary Oldman plays the vicious, vain, and yet still somehow charming CIA agent Norman Stansfield.  It's a beautiful portrayal of the truly psychotic.  The best part of his performance was clearly when he thinks he has been exposed and that our protagonists have escaped: his response "get everyone. [quietly]" "GET EVERYONE!"  Gary Oldman is a true master.

Ratings

Real hitmen:  Skip it

Faux-hitmen: See it

Danny Aielo:  Yup

Lonely like Leon?:  See it

Want to appreciate the marvel of a Thriller, but yet heartfelt (and not appropriate) love story?:  See it

On a scale of Mr. Big http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mister_Big_(Rocky_and_Bullwinkle) to Mr. Big http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Big_(band) , I give Leon: The Professional 3.87 out of 5 stars.

Larger than Life (1996)

"They say an elephant never forgets, but what they don't tell you is that you never forget an elephant" [Bill Murray]

There is no need to explain this movie.  It's Bill Murray and an elephant.  It's not a great movie.  But, it does have Bill Murray and an elephant.

Highlights:  Bill Murray working with an elephant. -The elephant saves a Mexican village.  Matthew McConaughey gets into his crazy character and shows some vocal garbble chops.

Low lights:  Pretty much everything except for when Bill Murray is with the elephant.

Ratings:

Elephants:  See it

Want to see something you never really expected had happened?:  See it

Love Elephant puns?:  See it

Those cruel to animals:  Skip it

Career risk takers: Totally see it

On a scale from Pakistan to Pakiderm, I give Larger than Life 2.89 out of 5 stars.  

The Magic Christian (1969)

"I think they are trying to bribe us." [The Oxford Crew]
"They ARE." [The Oxford Coach]

It's weird to me that I had never seen or heard of The Magic Christian.  Seriously, Peter Sellers and Ringo Starr.  Totally my sort of thing...but alas.  I didn't even know it existed till about 4 days ago. My world is now slightly better.

It's also strange to me that I so thoroughly enjoyed a movie that really has no plot.  What it is basically a serious of Monty Python-esque vignettes about messing with people by paying them money.  It also just takes the piss out everyone who is rich or aspires to be rich.  Ahhh corruption.  Whatever..it's just money.  But, I'm pretty sure the best bit is when Peter Sellers makes the Hot Dog guy chase down a train.

"I'd like a hot doggie, please." [Peter Sellers]

On a more meaningful note, after watching The Magic Christian, I wondered if a film like it or even one close to as blatantly anti-rich/wealth could be made in present day.  I pains me that my conclusion was that in today's world such mockery would be castigated and sent packing for tempting the scorn of deeply entrenched political and economic powers.  I'm sure it could be made.  But, it would get no traction and go no where.

Ratings:

Capitalists:  See it

Socio-political elites:  See it

Michael Moore: has to have seen it

Fox News Pundits:  Skip it...no wait see it {tee hee hee}

The College bound:  See it

On a scale of a 1 dollar bribe to a 1,000,000 dollar bribe, I give The Magic Christian 3.54 out of 5 stars.

  

Ricky Oh -The Story of Ricky (1991)

"Why didn't you let the doctors take the five bullets out of you?" -Prison Guard
"Souvenirs."  -Ricky

Wow!! Just Wow!! Unbelieveable!  If there were ever a movie that is a pure manifestation of why people went to the movies beyond the Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Ricky Oh -The Story of Ricky is it.

*Side note, I had always wondered where that gif of a man crushing another man's head like a watermelon that they used for "5 questions" on The Daily Show came from.  It's from Ricky Oh.

 

Quick plot:  Far into the future in the year 2001, a Ricky is sent to a privatized prison for assault.  The prison is a facade for organized brutality and gang-related drug trafficking under the watchful "eye" of the sublieutenant warden and his overlord warden Cobra.  Ricky, proceeds to fight, and then fight, and then fight some more until the prisoners are free of tyranny.  Did I mention, that Ricky is so strong he can literally rip people apart and punch through them.

The Highs:
1 Gore, gore, blood, splatter, and more cheesy shocking gore.
2 The version I watched was dubbed from Cantonese into Mandarin and given English subtitles.
3 The sublieutenant warden is so bad.  So bad.  He has one eye and one glass eye that he keeps mints in.  The walls of his office are stacked 10 feet high with horrifying porn.  His right hand is combination hook and tongs.  He eats his steak with his hook, and nothing else.   (I think he may also be responsible for the building of special trap cells within the prison.  One of them fills with wet concrete, and the other has the ceiling fall and crush inmates.)
4 The final fight scene between Ricky and Warden Cobra (who reveals his true ogre form) that ends with the warden fighting back while being ground up in a meat grinder is spectacular.

The Lows:
There really are no lows to this movie.  Just more gore.  At some point, you just give up and the lows become highs.    

Ratings

Kung Fu experts:  Skip it

Prison planners:  See it

You can tie your own tendons back together when they are severed?:  You are Ricky Oh.  You clearly saw it.

Writers:  See it  (That Sublieutenant Warden is so bad.)

Kids:  Perhaps not until you are 13-4 (Seriously, there is a lot of gore.)

On a scale of Texas Chain Saw Massacre to Shoot Em' Up, I give Ricky Oh -The Story of Ricky 3.4 out of 5 stars.

Rudy (1993)

"I want Rudy to dress in my place, Coach."  (Notre Dame -captain 1975)  *Never really happened, but I don't care.

While I am not classically athletic, I do like sports.  I also have a soft spot for sports movies. They're pretty much all the same, but I love them anyway.  Here is an example of a standard plot.

Team/Individual is bad or has a cultural obstacle to overcome.

Team/Individual encounters set backs

Inspirational coach or mentor shows up and teaches a lesson about inner worth

The team/individual finds it within themselves to win ( With inspirational music and montages of winning.)

Seriously, that's how basically all of these work.  They're so simple and heartwarming.

While Rudy definitely falls into this category of "sports movie".  There are three things that set it apart.  1.  A great performance from Sean Astin (Did you know his mother was Patty Duke?) 2.  Rudy is not about winning.  and 3. An impressive and often stolen soundtrack by Jerry Goldsmith.

Yeah seriously, Rudy is not about winning.  One in a million sports movie on that one.  Rudy's goal is to play.    It's nice to see a movie that has its priorities straight.

Here's a link to the theme if you've never heard it.  (which is unlikely.)  Way to go Jerry G. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-09ayPX_KVs

Ratings:

Hoosiers:  See it (Rudy was made by many of the same people.)

Players:  See it

Winners:  Skip it

Talented?:  See it

Talentless?:  See it

On a scale of Rocky Left-Handed in Rocky I to Rocky Right-Handed in Rocky II, I give Rudy 3.7 out of 5 stars.

  

Mean Girls (2004)

"Ashton Kutcher?  Is that a band?" (Cady -Lindsey Lohan)

Have you ever gotten peer pressure about something that you just didn't ever assume people would disagree with you about, care enough to disagree with you about, or know enough about to go all "herd mentality" on you?  This is what has happened to me with Mean Girls.  (Lots of people LOVED Mean Girls...but not me.)

-One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. Mean Girls is good.  Mean Girls is good.  Mean Girls is good.  Mean Girls is funny.  Mean Girls is funny.  Mean Girls is funny. ....

I guess I should keep my movie opinions to myself.  (Oh wait, I have a blog.)  I'm going to admit that for people slightly younger than me or even my age may hold Mean Girls in great esteem as a high school cultural touchstone that I can just never understand, as I didn't see it at the time of its release. (When I assume it had cultural relevance.)

So I think it should be pretty clear that I didn't think much of Mean Girls.  However, that doesn't mean I found nothing redeemable about it, that it was unwatchable or that it was not worth its Netflix bandwidth.

I'm just going to list off the things that were completely acceptable and even pretty good about Mean Girls

-Actresses Lacey Chabert and Amanda Seyfried were perfect in their roles.  They should be in more things.  They took what I considered to be B roles to our main characters and made them in to memorable A performances.

-Writer Tina Fey wrote a killer screenplay full of quickish funny funny one liners.  But, I had hoped for all the hype I got pre and rancor I incurred post would have meant the screenplay would have been a ground breaking new standard in teen comedy story telling or a rejection of high school stereotypes or just something else.   Great jokes Tina!!

-Neil Flynn.  You are awesome.  Be in everything from now on.

Ratings:

Plastics:  See it

High Schoolers in 2003-4:  See it

High Schoolers in 2003-2004 who didn't see it then:  Skip it?

John Hughes:  See it

Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused:  See it (Of course)

On a scale from toaster stroodle to belgian waffles, I give Mean Girls 3.1 out of 5 stars.    

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

"I would have followed you..my brother, my captain, my King."  (Boromir)

"I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor.  The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun.  Go back to the Shadow.  You cannot pass.  YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" (Gandalf the Grey)

After watching this movie and it's brothers way too many times, I can right now claim that I think The Fellowship of the Ring is my favorite pure movie of the trilogy. (Comments and debates on the subject welcome.)

More than Ten years later, and I am still in awe of the this movie.  Yes, it is rather long in it's extended cut, and as a friend pointed out if you have to pee at any point after they leave Lothlorien; urine trouble.  -They're on boats and approaching waterfalls for the next like 30+ minutes with the constant sound of moving water in the back soundscape.  (hahahahaha)

Great things in the movie:  The Shire, Uruk-hai, Saruman the Wise (Christopher Lee), Gandalf the Grey, (Ian McKellen), A Balrog of Morgoth,  John Rhys-Davis (Gimili),  Aragorn (Viggo Mortenson) saying a quick prayer to his sword before taking on an entire cadre of Uruk-Hai,  Ring Wraiths, Sauron, The long dark of Moria, Boromir's (Sean Bean) greatest death on screen in the last 20 years, it goes on and  on and on.

Ratings:

Everyone:  See it

Me:  Watch it again next year

Tolkein if were still alive:  See it  (He might hate it...but at least he should see it.)

AFI top 100 film inclusion committee:  See it

On a 5th date?:  See it.  If you date hates it with rage.....

On a scale from sunrises on the beach after being out all night with true friends to the moment on Christmas morning when everyone has sat down, but the presents have not yet been opened, I give The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring 4.6 out of 5 stars.

Tidal Wave (해운대 Haeundae) (2009)

"We could be looking at a MEGA-Tsunami."

Yup, A Korean disaster movie.  The "first" Korean disaster movie.  Okay, I admit it was bad.  Really really bad.  But, I'm going to spend this post talking about how and why Tidal Wave was amazing.  Because in a non-cinematic, or "proper" way it was utterly fantastic.

Here is what I loved about Tidal Wave:

1.  It was so simple. No illusions about what was going to happen in Tidal Wave.  There is, amazingly, a tidal wave.  That's really basically all that happens.  They don't stop it.  They don't even fight against it.  It just rolls over Busan.  Simple.   Yes, there is a plot...but that really just serves to have characters in key geographies and across the strata of Korean society.

2.  It was so easy to turn into a game.  Before watching Tidal Wave, I made a series of rules that would allow me to enjoy the movie more thoroughly.
Rule #1 Whenever a character says the words tidal wave, tsunami, or earthquake
Rule #2 If a character ever has to go into a dangerous situation to save a child or animal.
Rule #3 If a character says " I love you." while dying or in a near death situation.
Rule #4 Whenever a character has to say "Over here!"
Rule #5 Anytime a character or characters should have listened to the "Jeff Goldblum" esque charcter who had been predicting the tidal wave. (Ala Jurassic Park.)

I went five for five in predicting this movie.  Thoroughly enjoyable.

Ratings

Korean critics:  Saw it and probably said it was the best Korean disaster movie ever!!

Surfers:  See and think about riding the most epic wave.

Jeff Goldblum: See it.  Everyone should always know to listen to you.

K-Beach girls during the 5-6 weeks of official beach season:  Skip it.  Stay on the beach.

Got Netflix and want to have an above average time watching a film?:  Totally

On a scale from 2NE1 to Wondergirls, I give Tidal Wave 2.!!* out of 5 stars.

Sneakers (1992)

"Cattle mutilations are up."  (Mother -Dan Aykroyd)

I don't think I have ever seen a Robert Redford film I didn't like.  Sneakers is no exception.  From my perspective, Sneakers is sort of a hybrid between The Sting and Ocean's Eleven.  My only wish is that it were slightly more stylish.  (That's a harsh criticism. hahaha)

 When it comes to All-Star cast movies, I generally think the key is that if everybody is having fun, the movie will be a success.  If your stars don't get along,you will have a goose egg.  In the case of Sneakers, I think the cast actually got along very well.  My guess is that Dan Aykroyd, and Sidney Poitier got along so well they might even stay in touch to this day.  The idea that Robert Redford was working with River Phoenix still blows my mind.  (I truly wish River was still with us.  He would be the new Robert Redford in a way Brad Pitt just can't.)  I do show my age in that it was refreshing to watch Mary McDonald in a role other than Larua Roslin.  Cast dynamics are hard in the simplest of movies, if I ever get the chance to meet Phil Alden Robinson, the director, I'll have to ask him how he did it?

Lastly, I want to give both praise and ribbings to the decision makers when it came to the soundtrack of Sneakers.  I think somewhere, sometime at some screening there may have been some commentary that the movie lacked excitement.  So I think the solution was to apply EXTREMELY LOUD like 1950's horror film excite inducing background music to any scene where it was clear things were supposed to be exciting.  IT WORKED!!!  I just sort of wished Mr. Robinson had used a scalpel instead of a club.

Spys:  See it

Super Spys:  Skip it

Admiral Adama:  See it  (Laura R was even prettier back in 1992)

Teams:  See it

John Williams:  Skip it

On a scale of S'more to S'moreo, I give Sneakers 3.65 out of 5 stars.

Bottle Shock (2008)

"You think I'm an ass, and I'm not.  It's just that I'm British, and you are not." (Steven Spurrier -Alan Rickman)

Besides the one glaringly bad aspect of Bottle Shock and some minor plot questions, a good cast pulls of a movie about a story that didn't seem to have enough muscle to merit a movie.  Nice job.

And the award for the worst wig I have seen since John Travolta's in Battlefield Earth..goes to-(Drumroll)-  Chris Pine's terrible locks in Bottle Shock in 2008.

No seriously, the wig is so bad it jarringly knocked me out of the story and my interest more than a dozen times.

Beyond that, I was slightly confused as to why the love interest, Sam, in the context of Bo and Gustavo was included in the story.  Obviously, Sam may have been extremely important the actual events in 1973...but as far as the movie goes, a lot of the character's and their plots were somehow superfluous to the main story line.  (Bradley Whitford shows up for a memorable 4 minutes....only to never be seen again.)

Ratings:

Vinophiles:  Sure,  indulge yourself

Snobby Vinophiles:  You shouldn't lower your standards

Love Alan Rickman?:  See it

Passionate about your work?:  See it

On a scale of Pinot to Poirot, I give Bottle Shock 3.3 out of 5 stars.

Brave (2012)

"Mor'duuuuuuuuuuuuuu" (Princess Merida)

Well chalk one up for being human and the conservation of greatness.  Pixar is not destined to make mind-bogglingly good movies forever.  While, I fully acknowledge that Brave is a good movie.  It will never be in the pantheon of "Pixar" movies.  There is something often inexplicable about having pinash.  It's a shame that Brave does not have it.

The Good:  I actually enjoyed the whole concept that our villain in this movie was a giant non-talking demon bear.  It was even cool to learn his backstory.  The bear as force and as opposition for our characters had a lot of potential.  (I'm not entirely convinced that Brave's writers used this to its full potential but... it's all good.)

The So-So:  There were roughly three montages to music that took place during the film.  Two of them are used to establish/break, and rebuild the relationship between mother and daughter.  I didn't mind the first montage.  It was sharp and crisp in cuts in addition to providing a sense of timing and frustration.  However, the counterpoint montage mostly failed to deliver on any of the promise of plot or emotions of the characters.  It was just daughter and bear set to off-putting music.

The Questionable:   This may be wrong but, I got the distinct feeling from Brave that Pixar very much wanted to do a Scottish movie.  So the style, location, and feel were ingrained in the staff before they chose the story.  My opinion is that movies are generally better when one chooses a quality story before the location and accents.  So this is probably the reason that I did not connect with this Brave in the same way that I have with other Pixar movies in the past.  (This is not meant as a jibe at the storyline of Brave.)

Ratings:

Craig Ferguson:  Of course you saw it.  (Is there a Scottish related animated film that you are not in?)

Princesses:  See it

Scotsmen:  Skip it  (I just think you would feel bad about how thick and silly the accents are.)

Cineaphiles:  Skip it

Demon Bears:  See it

On a scale of Bob Villa to Bob Costas, I give Brave 3 out of 5 stars.

Sabrina (1954)

"Democracy can be a wickedly cruel thing Sabrina.  Nobody poor was ever called democratic for marrying somebody rich."  (Thomas Fairchild)

Ahhh Audrey Hepburn,  You were, and since your immortalized on film will always be, gorgeous.  Humphrey Bogart, no one delivers one liners like you.  I've seen you say horrible things to people in like 6 movies and people and characters still seem to adore you.  It's a rare gift.  William Holden, you were perfect in your role, except that I kept thinking about how much you look like Connor Trinneer http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0872997/  .  Simple 50s plot, simple direction, an excellent script, and fantastic use of music.  I do love "la vie en rose".  and Yes, I,too, have no bananas today. I was suitably impressed with Billy Wilder's ability to keep the plot going when the action was taking place in multiple locations.  Under less able hands it actually might have gotten confusing.  Additionally, I think that its refreshing to go back and see a movie that isn't under the constant pressure of a modern motion picture to "go faster".  I think Sabrina is something like 90 minutes, but it feels blessedly longer.  -Cant's say that about too many films.  I completely agree with any city's decision to show this movie in the park after sunset on a warm summer evening.

Ratings:

Dates:  No brainer,  See it

Getting over a breakup?:  Sure...at least it won't make things worse.

Love Paris?:  Watch this, and then watch a movie that takes place in Paris

Grinches:  Skip it

Want to be effortlessly gorgeous?:  See it.  Men watch Humphrey B.  Women watch Audrey H.

On a scale from Yachting to Submarining, I give Sabrina (1954) 3.8 out 5 stars.

God Bless America (2011)

"Naw, I don't want to kill that guy, I want him to suffer."  (Joel Murray)

Well done Bobcat.  Well done.  When I was told that Bobcat Goldwaith had directed  a shoot-em-up about taking back rage on mean people.  I was intrigued but had very very low expectations.  Interestingly, I was not as impressed with the plot of the movie as much as I was floored by the craft and effort it took to make this movie with heart and the best of intentions.  (The irony of what i write in comparison to the film is so thick, I could spread it on rocks.)  I also want to congratulate Joel Murray on a job well done. -Yes, Joel Murray: the other other Murray.  It is semi-unfortunate that you were outshown by Bobcat.

I think the way to tell that movie is made by a true craftsman and not just some hack is that they know how to flow seamlessly between scenes and stretch the narrative to include dichotomies that are simple and profound. It's so hard to do the simple things well. Cuts-pans, overlays, and inter-splices are so easy to overlook but so glaringly obvious when they are done poorly.   I like the music matched the actions seamlessly without becoming a soundtrack, and best of all that scenes could play with other times and spaces to bridge gaps in the story was magnificent.  For example, at one point our main character is disgusted by a spoiled child, that interplays perfectly with his own child demanding an Ipod.

This movie also knew how to play right into my dislikes of useless people, mean people, and above all "My Super Sweet Sixteen."  There is no greater sin than giving a child teenager everything they could possibly want.

Ratings

Mean Douche Bags:  See it

You talk in the Theater:  Be afraid.  Be very afraid

Feel like you TV is just yelling at you sometimes:  See it

Wallow in your own idiocy and sloth?:  Skip it

Haters:  See it

On scale from Parthenon to the Colosseum, I give God Bless America 3.68 out of 5 stars.

    

Extract (2009)

"There he goes....Johnny-horse-cock."  (Ben Afleck, as Dean)

Whelming, Yup, Whelming.  I'm going to admit that I watched this movie because I was actually looking to watch whatever that movie with JT and Mila Kunis was, but I ended up watching this.  Yup.

Extract features a reasonable cast, and they do reasonable jobs. -oh but Gene Simmons is in this movie for just a few minutes and he is pretty great.  Pure bilious swill erupts from his mouth.

I will also add that for a movie that was supposedly featuring Mila Kunis as a "sex-pot" con-artist, she was not in the movie enough for her to meet the requirements of the archetype, and she was not given the camera-time or super shots to be enticing.  (I found her way more attractive in Black Swan.)  Her acting was just fine...I just wish the editors, Mike Judge, the producers, and writers had not squandered her talents.

Strangely, Extract spent a lot of time with Ben Afleck's character who was actually non-essential to the plot.  So, while he was funny....I don't get that either.

In the end, while the movie was acceptable and even respectable "I chuckled a couple times; mostly at David Koechner".  Extract was a diluted Office Space.

Ratings:

On a date?:  There could be worse choices

Got the giggles:  Sure, see it

Actually make extract for a living:  Skip it

Pool boys:  See it

Con-Artists:  Skip it

On a scale of plumber's trap to plumber's crack, I give Extract (2009), 2.7 out of 5 stars.

Under Siege (1992)

"All my life, Saturday morning cartoons; the best."  (William Stranix -Tommy Lee Jones)

Ohhh Steven Seagal,  I simultaneously don't watch enough of your movies, and should forget that I have seen  most of your movies.  Interestingly enough, Under Siege is the least formulaic of all the Steven Seagal movies I can remember.  There are notable and credible actors that perform with Seagal-(Nick Nolte, Tommy Lee Jones, Colm Meany).  Most other Seagal films can't attract other actors.  The movie does not end with the classic round-house kick.  (I was shocked!!)

There were highlights and laudable things about Under Siege. (Yup). Some of these were Tommy Lee Jones,   the Seagal fight sequences, the writing, and the explosions.  If I didn't mention it in the above list, it was wretchedly bad.

Tommy Lee Jones:  I honestly forgot that you were in this film, and that you were without question the best actor and most interesting character in the movie.  I think the idea of a slightly deranged post-yet wannabe Vietnam era warrior on a mission to make a little money and show the world its failings is very interesting.  I wonder if they will just make the character wish he had been in Iraq when they remake this movie in 2030.

Steven Seagal fighting:  Yes, there is a specific way to fight like SS.  It is undeniable.  In Under Siege, as usual guns are abhorred.  (at least generally.)  But as the "throat rip out" and Tommy Lee "eye pull out" were still "ohhhhhhhhh^^^" inducing in a small crowd, I have to applaud this specific film's Seagal style.

Th writing:  To all Under Siege writing staff;   well done on interesting monologues for Tommy Lee Jones, and finding the best way to get a buxom and silly (and poor actress) Erika Eleniak onto a military vessel for Seagal to stumble upon.  (The answer is: in a cake.)

The explosions:  There aren't that many in Under Siege, but they are acceptable and well crafted as movie explosions go.  Way to go technical crew.

Ratings

Guys in a backyard on a projection screen: See it

Girls:  If you want... but I wouldn't

Muscle bound?:  It's not that kind of action film

Martial Artists:  Skip it

Military cooks:  See it and dream

On a scale of Charles Bronson to Marlon Brando, I give Under Siege 2.3 out of 5 stars.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

* I watched this while shaking heavy heavy kegs of beer- I may have missed some stuff.

"I've knocked out Hitler like 92 times." (Capt. America)

I think Marvel has stumbled onto one of the better strategies for making bankable movies.  Step one, avoid excessive focus on non-story elements like new technology, and visual wizardry.  (Those are important, but the moment they are the focus of the movie....) Step 2, hire a cast of recognizable actors to play all the fun roles and to ensure that the performances have substance.  Step 3, make sure that your writers stick to the essentials of the story, and only add flourishes where appropriate.  Step 4, profit.   Captain America: The First Avenger does these ordinary things very well and is thus a highly acceptable movie.

Step 1,  The focus of the movie is always on the Capt.  There are no shout outs of ridiculous "look at me" special effect shots.  I admit that the whole zip lining onto a train was pretty cool, but I wouldn't consider it flashy.  They develop his backstory, love interest, friends, and mission without fuss, muss or grandstanding.

Step 2:  Hugo Weaving as the Red Skull (Check), Stanley Tucci as brilliant German scientist with a pension for schnapps (Check), Tommy Lee Jones as gruff military officer "I'm not going to kiss you." (Check), and even Neal McDonough -I recognize you for just about everything. (Check)  Chris Evans and Hayley Atwell you were acceptable.

Step 3  I think what was really impressive about this movie was they way that the director used montages to accomplish storyline essentials like the passage of time, or the learning of a skill.  They were very well done, cut down on extraneous scenes and met all their established criteria.  They writers were good enough to keep their extraneous character development to well placed liners and some monologues.  I thought it was a good touch to have the Captain point out all the places that he had been beat up.

Step 4:  I'm pretty sure they did.

Ratings

Hydra:  You have so many heads and eyes you have to see it at some point.

Historians:  Skip it

Not an American?:  Skip it or see it (Spoiler: this is a pro-america movie.)

Scientists:  Skip it  No one wants to hear about how the science is bunk.

WWII vets:  See it with your relations and then tell them a story about how it really was.

On a scale of WWF to WWE, I give Captain America: The First Avenger 3.1 out of 5 stars.

My Neighbor Totoro {となりトトロ} (1988)

 

”まっくろくろすけ、出っておいで！”　（めい）

Totoro may be one of the cutest kid films of all time.  It sort of defies logic. [Kids defy logic....so I guess this should just be expected.]

I've lost track of how many times I've seen this movie.  [also defies logic...]

This time when I was watching I found myself asking a question I had not really asked before, "where is the mother Totoro?"  It's pretty hard not to notice the parallels between the Totoro family and the human family. They both have three members.  Both families have a dad, a middle child and a very small child.  Yet, the human family has a mother who is absent and in the hospital.  Which begs my question of "where is mama Totoro?"  

I also wondered if Totoro is doing the same thing for his family that Mei and Satsuki's father is doing.  I had always understood that Dad had moved the family out into the country to ensure that his children had a happy childhood unfettered by the concerns and reality of the city.  He wants them to experience childhood "aka the Totoro" while they still can.  Maybe the Totoro wants his children to experience their childhood too before it's too late.

Yeah and Catbus is always awesome.

Ratings:

Kids:  See it

Adults: See it

South Parkers:  See it  (I've seen the episode where Cartman aka The Coon meets up with Kuthulu and rides him.  It's a clearly influenced by Totoro.)

Classic Cineophiles: See it

 Looking for a reason to hate things:  Skip it

On a scale of Thunder in a jar to lightning in a bottle, I give My Neighbor Totoro 4 out of 5 stars.  

The Dark Knight (2008)

"I'm not crazy. I'm not." (The Joker)
"I'm like a dog chasing a car.  I wouldn't know what to do if I caught it." (The Joker)

After going to see part III (-see post), I thought I should go back and see what it was that gave me such high expectations for The Dark Knight Rises.  And really here is full reason: Heather Ledger is incredible.  Yeah...the movie is tighter flows well, maintains pace, and keeps upping the ante so as to keep it exciting, but all of that is meaningless when The Joker is on the screen.

I want to approach understanding The Joker ( and Heath Ledger's performance) from a holistic perspective.

-The voice:  If you've ever seen A Knight's Tale, you might understand how I really had no respect for Heath   Ledger's vocal skills.  However, I found his earthy/reedy from the top of his chest annunciations to be impeccable.  Somehow, whereas the Jokers of yore; Nicholson, and the 1960's one, found their place in the Joker's high cackles, that this Joker growls and embodies filth is refreshing.

-The Swagger:  It's difficult to physically become crazy.  It's like saying "Walk crazy.", but in reality those that are crazy think they are sane and thus walk just like you and me.  So a great performance is all in the details and not in the over-the-top decisions.  It's funny how they come off on screen the opposite of what you would expect. Crazy right?  Heather Ledger does all the little things right.  His duck footed gate.  They way his body never hesitates in a decision.  (Otherwise he might have a plan....)

-The hair and make-up:  Take what was a clean white faced villain from the comics and grit him up.  That's what happened here.  It's actually rather beautiful.  The hair is just the right shade of off-yellow green.  His purple suit has the right age and layers.  His make-up sweats and cracks.  SO many knives!

-The script:  While most comic book based movies aren't known for great dialogue, who ever wrote the lines for The Joker should have gotten 2X to 3X pay.

Ratings:

Method Actors:  See it

Catwoman:  Skip it (super villain in-fights just aren't that cool.)

ODB:  I think you rapped kinda like The Joker

Younger than 12?: Skip it  (There will be other times for delve into madness and the dark.)

In a full theater size theater alone?:  (This is how I saw it the first time.)  See it

On a scale of 2015 (as imagined in 1985) to 2015 (as imagined in 2012),  I give The Dark Knight 3.88 out of 5 stars.

 

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Spoilers

"When Gotham is in ashes, you have my permission to die." (-Bane)

A fitting and epic conclusion to a fantastic trilogy.  It completely deserves to be included with the others as part of Batman lore.  (Not you- "Batman and Robin").

It's unfortunate that I didn't actually like it all that much.  It was good.  That's about it.

However, I will go ahead and talk about some of the things I did like, and of course highlight the moments I didn't enjoy as much.

The Good: The cast was incredible.  I didn't find a single performance lacking.  I always like Gary Oldman.  Joseph Gordon Levitt continues to impress.  Michael Caine is Michael Caine.  Anne Hatheway is always more talented than I give her credit for, and Christian Bale is a tinsel town "movie-star".  I would like to highlight the relative unknown actors that made this whole movie come together.  Well done, Aidan Gillen, Christopher Judge, Marion Coutillard, and Brett Cullen (BC- you rock in everything!).  A special well done goes out to Tom Hardy for taking on the impossible role of Bane and pulling it of with grace, dignity, and a great deal of respect.  ( I liked the voice.)  Oh, and if you look closely, Bill Cowher and Hines Ward also make cameos.

The not so Bad:  There was too much story.  It had so much potential....but there was way too much of it to be a convincing and amazing movie.  I would love to see this movie done as a miniseries or an HBO 10 episode season.  It deserves it.  However, it was underserved by its 2 hour 30 minute length.  


To make the movie fit, critical character development, and tension were sacrificed.  The idea of the "pit" was cool.  Darkness is a writers bread and marmite.  However, that sort of story line takes time- and I don't mean like 30 minutes.  I mean like a whole week to wait in darkness with the character between continuing the story.  I also thought that the element of time and geography were sadly lacking from The Dark Knight Rises.  I was sort of surprised that Christopher Nolan would commit such a grievous error as just magically teleporting Batman back to Gotham even though it was under heavy guard and all the bridges were out.  I admit -he is Batman- so I completely understand how Batman got there...it just grated my movie senses.


Catwoman.  Way to go Anne Hatheway.  You are a respectable actress.  Unfortunately, I did not see how your story ended up with you kissing Batman.  Your story was good enough, but they pushed into somewhere I didn't believe it would go.  


Bane-  You were so cool!!!  and then your final fight sequence with the Dark Knight fell horribly short.  After your epic beat down at about the (1/3) mark I expected the final showdown to be ****!!!^^^^#### (Rocky IV in like 10 minutes) , but sadly the fight sequence did not meet the expectations the film created.


( I bet the first run through Chris Nolan made of this movie was borderline 3.5 hours, and it was probably better than the 2.5 hour version.....but studios don't do movies over 3 hours.  T_T )


Ratings


Everyone:  See it


Fan boys:  Saw it


Those affected by or close to tragedy:  my most sincere and heartfelt condolences, sympathy, and empathy.  


Editors:  Skip it


Jay Michael Strazyniski:  I would have loved to see you take on this story and give it the justice it deserves


On a scale from 20 minutes of fireworks to the same amount of fireworks in 20 seconds, I give Batman: The Dark Knight Rises 3.5 out of 5 stars.  

 

Conan the Barbarian (2012)

"This is the way of steel."  (Ron Perlman: Conan's father)

Have you ever been so disappointed with your Christmas present that even the box wasn't fun to play with?  That's how I felt about Conan the Barbarian (2012).

yup.

Honestly, a waste of movie and a poor excuse for what should have been "CONAN" in all it's glory.

I do have a positive critique in that Jason Mamoa is fantastic.  I think he should star in more movies.  I even think he makes a great Conan.  I just wish he was in better movies.

Beyond that....yikes.


Here is a list of tell tale signs that a movie is going to be horrible.  


-The movie starts with a wildly unimaginative and ludicrous prologue narrated by an actor that was too good to be in the movie.  (Check:  Morgan Freeman)


-The movie has to subtitle the names of all the places the characters go, even though your audience doesn't care. (Double Check)


- The movie moves so fast main characters are introduced and abandon in the course of 5 minutes. (Check)


- The characters travel to places they really have no reason to go to.  (Check)


- The main villains goals are misaligned with their actions and worse...the final show stopper fails to deliver. (Check-aroo)


-Buildings start to fall down for no reason (Check)


Ratings:


Arnold:  See it


Love silly sword fights? :  Meh, why not?


Kahleesis:  See it


Super-villains:  Skip it


Directors:  Skip it  (I would be surprised if this one wanted to watch his creation more than once.)


On a scale of Free bird to Surfin' bird, I give Conan the Barbarian (2012) 1.6 out of 5 stars.