Conan the Barbarian (2012)

"This is the way of steel."  (Ron Perlman: Conan's father)

Have you ever been so disappointed with your Christmas present that even the box wasn't fun to play with?  That's how I felt about Conan the Barbarian (2012).

yup.

Honestly, a waste of movie and a poor excuse for what should have been "CONAN" in all it's glory.

I do have a positive critique in that Jason Mamoa is fantastic.  I think he should star in more movies.  I even think he makes a great Conan.  I just wish he was in better movies.

Beyond that....yikes.


Here is a list of tell tale signs that a movie is going to be horrible.  


-The movie starts with a wildly unimaginative and ludicrous prologue narrated by an actor that was too good to be in the movie.  (Check:  Morgan Freeman)


-The movie has to subtitle the names of all the places the characters go, even though your audience doesn't care. (Double Check)


- The movie moves so fast main characters are introduced and abandon in the course of 5 minutes. (Check)


- The characters travel to places they really have no reason to go to.  (Check)


- The main villains goals are misaligned with their actions and worse...the final show stopper fails to deliver. (Check-aroo)


-Buildings start to fall down for no reason (Check)


Ratings:


Arnold:  See it


Love silly sword fights? :  Meh, why not?


Kahleesis:  See it


Super-villains:  Skip it


Directors:  Skip it  (I would be surprised if this one wanted to watch his creation more than once.)


On a scale of Free bird to Surfin' bird, I give Conan the Barbarian (2012) 1.6 out of 5 stars.