Blazing Saddles (1974)

I agree with Gene Wilder.  Sometimes eating makes me sick.  Somehow I forget how forward and strangely appropriate Mel Brooks can make racism.  The movie plays it so tongue in cheek.  "We'll take the blacks.  But, not the Irish!"      Oh yes and the farting scene is still hilarious.  In the end, Blazing Saddles is the perfect showcase for 40 -50 bit vaudeville scenes that some how come together to make a classy and shameless motion picture.  Lastly, I just have to go on a bit of a rant about how much I love Harvey Korman.  He's just hysterical.  My ultimate shtick pairing is him and Tim Conway.  Blazing Saddles is a stunningly funny performance by Mr. Korman as Heady.....HEADLY Lamarr.  I would gladly pledge allegiance to the evil for which he stands.

Beserkers:  See it

4th wall breakers:  See it

People who do Voodoo so well:  See it

Find slightly abrasive offensive comedy offensive:  Skip it

Sheriffs:  See it

On a scale of Power Rangers to Voltron, I give Blazing Saddles 3.3 out of 5 stars.
  

The Lion King (1994)

Yup.  I watched this.  First time in a decade.  It's not as magical as I remembered.  It is good.  But, perhaps the  magic is wasted on the old.  Things I noticed this time were: JTT is young Simba, and Matthew Broderick is old Simba.  Raffiki the baboon is in fact rather creepy.  As always, Jeremy Irons is amazing.  BE PREPARED!

Ratings

Kids: See it

Shakespeare: See it (feel ripped off 400 years later)

Elton John: You have a baby now. See it

Jaded beyond belief:  Skip it

Nostalgic:  See it

On a scale from dial-up internet connection to wireless connection on your smartphone, I give The Lion King 3.45 out of 5 stars.    

Kill Bill Vol 2 (2004)

 A fitting and benevolent end to a gruesome, touching, and wild story of sorrowful revenge.  I thought it was a drastic change to flip from Japanese Yakuza and Samurai inspired style to Deperado/early Jackie Chan/Bruce Lee style but, I was wrong.  The two mismatched genres play together beautifully.  The lack of character development in part I was in stark contrast to part II.  Strangely, I most identified with the character of Bud throughout both films.  I also loved the line: "Wakie Wakie, Eggs and Bakie."  His character was full of sorrow and disgust, coupled with cocky redneck bravado.  For all the technical and violent awesome of volume I, part II is a disturbingly fitting counter point.
 
Other thoughts:
The five palm exploding heart technique is sweet.
Shogun Assassin should be referenced more often
I should work on playing "possum" more often
David Carradine rocks
I hope Elle Driver return in some other fashion as a blind seer or Zatoichi style swordsman

Ratings:

Brides:  Skip it

Mothers:  See it

Indomitable spirits: See it

GZA:  your a genius, See it

Blue Monkeys:  See it

On a scale of Desperado to Iron Monkey, I give Kill Bill volume 2 4.12987 out of 5 stars.    

Kill Bill Vol 1 (2003)

Stunned.  Mesmerized.  Nothing will be "cool" for the next 3 days!....I liked it.  I even decided that if I were a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad my code name would be "Water Moccasin".  I'm going to have to write in greater detail about the technical reasons why this movie rocked.

1.  The Soundtrack:  The fact that the movie starts with Nancy Sinatra singing "Bang Bang" was clever, cool, and deliciously old school.  Additionally, the sound/song selection was critical to creating the general mystique of the film.  The flight to Tokyo and chase down of Sophie would have been boring without the crazy trumpet of Al Hirt.  I found that one musical selection did break my euphoria, but I forgive it.

2.  Character Entrances/psyche up sequences:  Oh man, does Tarantino know how to set the mood.  O-ren Ishi ii and the Crazy 88 are nothing without the sequence of them just walking badassly through the restaurant.  The track "Battles Without Honor or Humanity- incidently the title of a sweet movie in and of itself" just makes me want to prep for a fight.  I also adored the final fight sequence between Lucy Liu and Uma not for its truth to amazing sword play, but for the way it inter-played music with anticipation and temptation.  Silly Rabbit.  Tricks are for Kids.

3.  Sonny Chiba is in this movie!!!

4.  Allusions to classic Japanese Ji dai geki:  The Crazy 88 embody all the different styles of sword play and stances that are classic tropes of the genre.  I would personally carry my sword over both my shoulders to look like a thug and Toshiro Mifune.  Additionally, the shadow section of the large scale fight is an allusion to "Sword of Doom" and other classics.

5.  60's/70's undertones:  Kill Bill vol 1 made a point of capturing the essence of blood, guns, swords in their heyday.  I loved the blood particularly.

Ratings:

Killers:  See it

Silly Rabbits who wished they knew how to play with swords: See it

Cobra Kai students:  See it

School Girls:  See it  (Only with approval of a parent or guardian......I don't want to be responsible for any underage or inappropriate viewership.)

Expecting to see a Rom Com:  See it

On a scale from egg nog on a hot day in traffic to cool lemonade in a hammock by a lake on a beautiful day, I give Kill Bill vol 1 4.19873 out of 5 stars.

          

Terminator Salvation (2009)

I can't ever really remember being more whelmed by a movie.  Not overwhelmed.  Not underwhelmed.  Just whelmed.  Terminator Salvation could not stand on its own as a movie without the rest of the franchise.  However it was not a particularly bad movie.  It just was.  This is not a slight on Christian Bale.  He did a reasonable job with wooden dialogue.  This is a slight on Moon Bloodgood.  Who I feel should get another chance but woefully missed the mark in this movie.  The real problem with this movie was that I already knew the plot from the other segments.  The movie did nothing to tell the audience that what we assumed was in fact wrong.  Audiences have to "not believe" the other installments in order for Salvation's plot to be able work.  They failed.  Additionally, I bust out laughing because Skynet looked an awful lot like the factory levels of Donkey Kong Country for N64, unnecessary fire spewing barrels and all.

Ratings

Newsie fans:  Skip it

Arnold:  There is a bad CG version of you. Skip it

Action fans:  Skip it

Fan Boys: See it and go home saying "Meh".

Back in time to save this movie:  Try harder

On a scale of T1000 to T800 to T1M at the Tokyo Terminator ride, I give Terminator Salvation "meH" out of 5 stars.

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Oh man, what at trip.  In no real way is this a "good" movie.  I can't vouch for it having any merit based on story, acting, directing, special effects, fight choreography, or art direction.  It is hokey, choppy, and poorly written.  But nonetheless, this movie is awesome!  Any movie with Wilt Chamberlin, Arnold, Grace Jones, Andre the Giant, and Mako - he voiced Uncle Iroh on the TV series of Avatar- should  be on everyone's must see list.  I'm just going to go write a list of all the silliness that is Conan the Destroyer:

-Grace Jones is superfluous and unnecessary in her wild yelping and semi-clad rage
-Wilt is not particularly stirring actor.  But he is BIG.
-There is a serious plot point about the princess being able to contain her natural urges to couple with Conan.
- SO many gratuitous long shots of horseback riding
-The pulling the giant horn out of the demi-god finish was remarkably phallic
-When Mako uses "Magic" it just looks like he has to take a serious trip to the lavatory

Ratings

Former NBA stars: See it

Fans of Arnold minus a whole lot of talking:  See it

Critics:  Skip it (Seriously, why poison your barometer of quality?)  

Up All Night on USA:  Play it again

Can't accept somethings just they way they are:  Skip it

On a scale of Road House to Grind House, I give Conan the Destroyer 1.978 out of 5 stars.

Toy Story (1995)

I hadn't watched this in about a decade. It has aged miraculously.  The jokes are still funny today.  That is hard.  Other things I noticed were; Toy Story is a short movie. (1 hour 16 minutes) , Joss Wheadon wrote Toy Story.  (It shows.), and oooooooooo The Claw.  -type in "oooo the claw" into google images and right near the top will be those amazing spongy three eyed alien toys from Toy Story-  Watching the story line closely, I find that Toy Story is really a tour de force in having one main theme and sticking to it no matter what.  I think the theme of this movie was abandonment.  (Shocking, that a movie for kids would have such a sad sad theme.)  The writers, producers, and director even seemed to set thematic focus from the very beginning and not deviate.  Without that drive,  Toy Story might have been just a technical marvel instead of true classic.

Ratings

Kids 2012:  See it

Kids 1984:  Saw it (all of you!)

Kids 1951:  See it

Social Psychologists:  See it

Got love?:  See it

On a scale from Emperor Zurg to Ming the Merciless, I give Toy Story 4.1 out of 5 stars.  

   

Moulin Rouge! (2001)

Ewan McGregor has pipes!!  I already knew I like this movie.  I've seen it many times.  This time I really tried to watch for direction issues and shot selection.  What I noticed was that this movie just has an inordinate and silly number of shots.  My guess is that it contains roughly twice the number of cuts in comparison to normal movie of the same length.  When you are not mesmerized by song and dance, try to keep count without a clicker.  It will surprise you.  Perhaps this is Baz Luhrmann's way of making the movie more like music video.  Given that I'd never really noticed the number of shots in all my previous viewings, I can only say that Baz did an amazing job of letting the movie play to its core.

Ratings

Frat Boys:  already seen it (don't deny it.)

Elton John:  Doesn't need to...He gets royalties

Non-native English Speakers:  Catch the fever

Music haters:  Skip it

Grinches:  Skip it, unless you want your heart to grow three times in size

On a scale of The Rocketeer to CHUD, I give Moulin Rouge! 4.0 out of 5 stars.

The Pornographers (1966)

Whoa!!  I was really not expecting this movie to be as thought provoking and interesting as it was.  Shohei Imamura deserves some sort of prize for directing this masterfully distasteful and yet wholesome movie.  If you were looking for this movie to have actual porn in it; So Sorry.  Try a different blog.  But if you were looking for a true surrealist understanding of the breakdown of family structure, the Pornographers is your ticket to ride.  From a cinaphile standpoint this movie was extremely cool.  It lingered in long shots.  It made sure there were obstructions to virtually all the true "action", and every shot was jilted and ever so slightly off center.  Couple all this with a strange plot involving unrequited relationships and voila a distasteful, unsettling, and only slightly above average classic is born.

Ratings:

You want to see actual porn:  Skip it

Gangsters:  See it

Family Values Traditionalists:  Skip it

Surrealists:  ?????SEE??????Y

Amateur film makers:  See it

On a scale of flowers to nuts, I give The Pornographers 2.7 out of 5 stars.

    

The Incredibles (2004)

I love this movie.  Every time I watch it I like something different about it.  There are homages everywhere; the bad guy's death ships are from the terminator franchise, the island volcano lair with egg shuttles is from "You Only Live Twice", the spinning blade ship chase  through the jungle is a strict Tie-Fighter through asteroid field homage, The Underminer's death car is like Shredder's, the baby's powers seem to work like Kirby, it goes on and on and on.  GEEK OUT!!  This time I enjoyed watching the character Edna.  She reminds me of Zsa Zsa Gabor and Yoko Ono all in one.  I also have a soft spot for characters who are shorter than than their cigarette holders are long.

Ratings:

Geeks:  See it

Craig T Nelson lovers:  See it

Professional Malcontents:  Skip it

Bomb Voyage:  See it

Always wanted Henchman and an Evil scheme but just never got around to it:  See it

On a scale of Dr. No to an all night rave on a beautiful beach in Greece, I give The Incredibles 3.8 out of 5 stars.

  

Hero (2002)

Right so I'm going to skip the totalitarian critique as well redundant and silly.  I thought this film was a complete Rashoman inspired trip.  I sort of want to describe it as Color fused Ten Commandments meets Rashoman in a Crouching Tiger style epic.  Seriously, the colors and history of the Hero are spectacular.  To be clear, the story telling style with it's many flashbacks and outright lies made for a very engaging story.  Hero also breaks with my predisposition that it is generally a bad idea to make calligraphy a central theme within in a movie.  Calligraphy is such a subtle medium that it does not translate well to film.  I was slightly confused as to whether the character of Zhang Xi Yi was necessary to the plot.  I land on that she was not.  But, I did like her performance and her double-sword fight sequences.

Ratings

Men of Zhao:  Skip it

Jackie Chan:  Skip it

Samurai sword purists:  Skip it

Acrobats:  See it

History Purists:  Skip it

On a rating of HOT hot pot to hot pot, I give Hero 3.5 out of 5 stars.

    

Dr. Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb (1964)

There are movies that are simply funny.  There are movies that have made me want to pee my pants from laughing.  There are movies that promote euphoric hysteria.  Then there are movies that are so funny they inspire no laughter only dead serious hysterical contemplation of reality.  Dr. Strangelove is the one of these.  It falls flatter today than in 1964, I have no doubt.  We live in a different age and political satire has a lifespan.  What I can say is that the most I uttered was a stilted guffaw when Peter Sellers finally makes his appearance as Dr. Strangelove.  (It really is quite uproarious.)  The shot selection of the movie was impeccable.  Kudos, Stanley Kubrick.  Peter Sellers excels in every one of his many roles.  And if anyone ever wondered where the iconic image of a man riding an A-bomb like a bull as it plunges to its target came from.  It was from this movie.

Ratings

JFK:  Didn't see it.  Watch it from Heaven

Nixon: Skipped it on principle (I would think.)

Peaceniks:  See it

Students of Strategic Decisions: See it

Curtis LeMay:  Skip it

On a scale of KumBaya to Ballad of the Green Beret, I give Dr. Strangelove 3.9 out of 5 stars.