The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)

"Does your dog bite?" (Inspector Clouseau)
"No" (Shop keep)
Dog bites Clouseau.
"I thought you said your dog did not bite." (Clouseau)
"That is not my dog." (Shop keep)

" And third, that my hand is on fire." (Clouseau)

I thought for my what I assume is my 101st post, I would watch yet another Pink Panther. Undoubtedly this one is the silliest of the lot. So, naturally, I find it amazing. (It could also be that my parents had a bootleg copy of this movie that I watched many times as a child.) It's a Pink Panther so of course everyone should watch it. Is it a ground breaking and historic movie of merit? No. But, it does have Kato, a fabulous hunchback costume, Dreyfus and his dooms day device, the hideous screws on a chalkboard torture, that unnecessarily silly attractive Russian assassin, an Octoberfest full of ridiculous killers, and,of course, The Pink Panther song.

Ratings:

Comedic gaggers: see it

Simpsons writers: you had to have seen it. (I hope all the gags of Clouseau trying to get across the most made their way into episodes.)

Accenters: a must

Costumed Assassins: see it

Hunchbacks: ok you might want to skip this one.

On a scale of 1 hour in Helsinki to 12 hours in Helsinki, I give The Pink Panther Strikes Again 3.4 out of 5 stars.

Bridesmaids (2011)

"It's coming out like lava!!"  (Megan)

"I want to apologize.  I'm not even confident of which end that came out of." (Megan)

 "Female fight club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn't know so it's 'Surprise, we're going to fight!" (Megan)

Poop, vomit, and all other body functions and secretions are still funny.  Always will be.  Yup.  Farts (ahahahahahahah!!!!)  

However, a newer, distastefully chic, and unbelievably funny phenomenon has been taking hold of American comedies for the past oh 15 years.  I like to call it: The Cringe joke.  Typically, I think of jokes as being the back beat rhythm to any great comedy.  Their short, linguistically, culturally, and/or scatologically playful pieces that keep a movie going strong.  (chuckles all around.)  But, a Cringe joke is a joke with no punchline that just keeps going and going and going and going, all the while getting worse and worse and worse until you as the audience can't stand it.  (Please make it stop!!!)  I find these kind of sequences and jokes to be incredibly funny, but a serious drain on my morale and psyche.  This is what happened to me while I was watching Bridesmaids.  Kristen Wiig is giving her maid of honor speech at the engagement party and continues to get upstaged by Helen.  So Kirsten tries to upstage Helen back..but, just makes matters worse and worse.  It takes about 5 minutes out of a movie that is 2 hours and 5 minutes. AKA 4% of the movie is this one joke.  The scene is well cut and well acted.  I actually yelled out to my TV, "Make it stop!"

Ratings:

Bridezillas:  See it

Got 100% commitment?:  Just watch Melissa McCarthy devour her role at 100mph.

From Milwaukee :  See it.  (I can't really think of any other movies set in Milwaukee.)    

Fear flying?:  Skip it.  My nightmares about flying are less trauma inducing than their flight to Las Vegas.  

Grooms:  Skip it.  (The one in this movie is absolutely non-existent.)

On a scale from  Hershey's Kisses to Baby Ruths, I give Bridesmaids 3.6 out of 5 stars.  


      

13 Assassins (2010)

"How can you kick his head? He gave his life for you." (Shinzaemon Shimada)

Upon watching 13 Assassins I've once again realized an immutable truth.  One can never be completely debt free.  EVER.  Try as one might to be completely independent, self-sufficient, and a rock, one will always owe those that came before more than one can ever repay.  My life is built upon the sacrifice and genius of centuries of ancestors.  I cannot repay all that they have given to me.  Impossible.  

Which leads to my point.  13 Assassins is a very good movie.  Its direction is superb.  Its actors are spot on.  The sets, costumes dialog, shot selection, and story are impeccable.  But, I recommend everybody watch "The Seven Samurai" first.  I think Takashi Miike (the director) might even agree.  The debt that 13 Assassins owes to its cinematic forefathers is insurmountable.  This is not in any way a "slam" on the movie.  It is not.  For me to state that one should watch one of the TRUE CLASSICS in order to appreciate 13 Assassins is a compliment.  From here on out, all other samurai films will be judged on 13 Assassins as a worthy part of the pantheon.

I would also like to say that I appreciate the craft and dedication that went into making 13 Assassins.  In Takashi Miike's other movies, "Audition", "Ichi the Killer", "Visitor Q" I've always left feeling rather queasy.  It's not that I didn't respect or appreciate those movies.  I just have little interest in watching them again.  (Please, don't make me go back there.)  I was not surprised at Takashi Miike's ability to change styles, sequences, themes, and procedures, but I was surprised that he took on such a seemingly tame project.  My respect for Takashi Miike has increased.

Ratings:

Samurai wannabes:  See it

SMAP lovers:  See it -OK so I have in the past always ragged on Inagaki Goro as being the weakest member of SMAP, but his portrayal of the evil lord Naritsugu is chilling.  天晴れ！！

Yakusho Koji:  Take a bow.  You, too, were awesome.

Real swords men: Skip it.  This movie is about movie swordplay.  It looks great and is emotionally fantastic, but not real.  (I don't care.)

Kurosawa-sama:  See it.  I think you would appreciate where your legacy has gone.

On a scale from, bad natto that you found in the back of a 711 at the end of the day to perfectly prepared rice from Nigata prefecture with just a touch of moon salt, I give 13 Assassins 4.2 out of 5 stars.  



 

The Graduate (1967)

"A Ford!! Goddamit. A Ford.  That's great! Mrs. Robinson."  (Ben)

I'd always heard about The Graduate from other people, but I'd never seen it.  (Yes, I was a Graduate virgin.)  I was sort of sad that I expected it to disappoint me.  Before watching it, I thought it was going to be like a Nerf-dart gun experience.  -great looking in commercials, slightly rebellious, still safe, highly inaccurate  and breaks down after 2-3 uses.  However, to my surprise, (I really shouldn't have been.  This is regarded as a classic, after-all.)  The Graduate is a phenomenal movie and deserves inclusion into the term art.

I admit that I have troupes and story telling devices that I enjoy and some that I don't.  One of that I truly enjoy is the use of background and foreground in contrast.  The Graduate and its director and cinematographer (Mike Nichols and Robert Surtees) seem to have an innate understanding of how to use the entire canvass of a shot to better tell the story.  I loved the SCUBA shots. It made everything seem close. I loved the long shots -like in the church at the end.)  I loved the dark shots -when Ben was with Mrs. Robinson.  I even thought that they way that the shots just played with the audience in terms of the SEX, was A: far more alluring, B: far more tasteful, and C: made for a better and more captivating story.  Well done.

Ratings:

College Grads:  See it

Cougars:  See it  (Anne Bancroft, Whoa!!!!)

Music montage-ists:  See it.  Yup, Simon and Garfunkel at their best.

Love BeWitched?:  See it.  I am such a nerd that I recognized two of the minor actresses as Aunt Clara and Esmeralda.

Actors:  See it.  I loved basically every performance.

On a scale of the first time to the last time, I give The Graduate 4.1 out of 5 stars.  

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

"If it loses...We eats it whole."  (Gollum/Smeagol)

I will admit that the Hobbit as a film is not incredible.  It does not live up to the lofty mark set by its cousins.  But, it never could.  So, I am not disappointed with it.  (No one should be, really.)  I actually loved it.  I even saw it in 3D with the high frame rate.  I thought the Dwarves were fantastic.  Biffer with the ax piece still in his head.  Boffer with his silly hat.  Dwalin with with his snarl.  Gloin with his ear trumpet. (Yeah, that's a thing and it's back.) Balin and his beard. And an incredible bit of acting to bring Thorin to life.  Also, Radagast the Brown is great.  I love that his sleigh is pulled by rabbits, and that Saurman accuses him of having his mind addled by mushrooms.  (Christopher Lee is 90 years old.)  Additionally, I thought the Goblin King with the giant "waddle" was the best monster I have seen in like 4 years.  Just so gross......  But, yeah, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is basically a marginally above average movie that I thoroughly enjoyed. I look forward to part II.

Ratings:

Hobbits:  See it

Set designers: See it

Monster makers: See it

Upset Fan boys:  See it.  Get upset.  Don't tell me all about it.  Make you own Hobbit movie to soothe your entitlement.  I'll watch it.  I'll even put it up on the blog.  

Book Purists:  Don't see it.  I assume that because you are a book purist you wouldn't want to.  But if for some reason you do, and again because you are a book purist, I am sure that you would have tons of snarky critiques for this movie. Please don't whine to me.  

On a scale of love you never went for to a slap in the face, I give The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3 out of 4 stars.    

                

The King's Speech (2010)

"We don't pop." (The queen mother)

While, I do enjoy historical dramas.  I don't normally enjoy "based on a true story" historical relationship dramatizations.  Somehow, my interpretations, and expectations are never met.  Admittedly, I went into this movie with basically no knowledge of the history of the British monarchy before QEII. So, that's probably why I found The King's Speech to be well-crafted, personable, and touching.

I'm not sure why, but I actually wasn't all that impressed by Colin Firth's performance.  Admittedly, he had an impeccable stutter and I loved the bit when he became a penguin, but I thought the real acting stars were Helena Carter and Geoffry Rush.  Mrs. Carter was impeccable as my idea of the mother monarch back in the 1920s and 30s.  Her accent and acting decisions coupled with the way the character was written are a perfect compliment.  "ah- The Johnsons?"

As for Mr. Rush, as an American I, often to my own peril, sometimes forget that not all Englishmen are alike.  (My head is often full of stereotypes.  I'm sorry, but....I always think of British TV as Benny Hill hahaha.)  And I also then fall into the trap of lumping all formerly British Colonies (Not USA or Canada) into one giant conception of "British".  So, when Mr. Logue keeps getting rebuffed by the Brits for being an Aussie or being "from the colonies", it was welcome slap in the face of my simplistic generalist understanding of British society.  I also enjoyed they way Mr. Rush played into his outsiderness in the face of the Archbishop of Canterbury (Derek Jacobi).  "They've all been knighted." (Prince of Wales) "Makes it official then." (Lionel Logue)

Ratings

Speech pathologists:  I'm sure it goes against all teachings..but See it anyway.

Actors:  See it

British Mums:  See it and live out the whole "Queen is going stop over for tea scene."

Churchill:  Is it a law that you have to be in every British movie?

Short of attention span?:  Skip it   (How did you pay attention long enough to read my blog post to this point?)

On a scale of Demosthenes to chubby bunny, I give The King's speech 3.8 out of 5 stars.

Clue (1985)

" I'm Wadsworth.  I'm the butler." (Wadsworth)
" And what do you do, sir?" (Col. Mustard)
" I butle, sir."  (Wadsworth)

I remember watching Clue for the first time in 1997ish and thinking, "whoa, this movie makes so much sense.  I get it.  I get it".  Yet on repeat viewings, it has become very clear that I know nothing.

I'm going to go ahead and novelize the executive board meeting when Clue was pitched in 1983.  Imagine, if you will, a long table with 9 men, 4 on each side and one at the head, all dressed in suits.  Our hero walks in the door and says "gentleman.  I'm sure that you have all played the classic game of Clue with your families.  You know, the game where one is expected to keep solve a mystery from generally fake information because your children and wives can't help but lie for personal advantage?  Yes, that game.  I really think that Clue deserves a full length feature release movie that can capitalize on its extremely loyal fanbase.  I also think that to do justice to the extremely thick back story, the film will have to have three distinct and convoluted endings.  Wattda you say?"

They gave this man money.  15 million to be exact.  (I hope he got paid on some sort of sliding incentive scale.)

In truth, I have a soft spot for Clue.  I love the cast.  I love the script.  I love the way the ending is a choose your own adventure.  But, the best thing about clue is that it was MADE.

Ratings:

Settlers of Catan:  I can't wait to see the movie.

Spinal Tap:  One of you bandmates took time away from music to make this.

Tim Curry aficionados:  See it

Hungry Hungry Hippos:  Also can't wait to see the movie.

Demand continuity in your films?:  See it for the effort, or skip it for the shame of how many errors that one could find that might contradict the multiple endings.

On a scale of poker with chips to poker with Lucky Charms, I give Clue 3.4 out of 5 stars.    

     

Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader (2012)

"Whoa, you're like 50 feet tall." (just some dude in the movie)

Yes, I watched this too.  It was the only thing I could do after watching In the Name of the King (ItNotK).  Sometimes the best solution to being trapped in a hole is to dig up.

There is no need to describe this movie.  Take the title, add a simple plot and some nudity.  That's it.

Ratings:

Me: My plan worked.  I basically forgot about ItNotK.

Looking for a porn?:  Skip it.  If you watch this for the nudity, you are in fact worse than this film.

Got anything else that you could be doing?:  Skip this movie and do that.

Script peddlers:  Someone bought the rights to this and said "Yup, I think this could make me some money." -It probably did.

Women with self-respect and intelligence:  Please don't watch this film of horrible gender stereotypes, and please don't judge me for having seen it.

On a scale of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure to Bikini Bistro, I give Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader 1.4 out of 5 stars.

(Yes, those are both real titles of movies.  I didn't even have to make them up.)

In the name of the King: a dungeon siege tale (2008)

"Whoa! wait? Huh? Is that?  How did...? Are those ninjas?" (Me during the movie)

UGGHHHHHHHHH so yeah this movie happened.  And I watched it.  All of it.  If it weren't for this blog, I would never speak of having seen it.

There are only two people who came out of this movie without being completely tainted by its awful: Jason Statham, and maybe maybe John Rhys-davies.  Jason Statham manages to put no heart, soul, or effort, into his performance and therefore having had the courage to get a pay check and not try, he wins.  I'm really not sure what could tarnish the career of JRD, but it takes more than this cinematic atrocity   Everyone else in this movie is awful, and the fact that you could tell they were trying so hard made it all the worse.

In addition to the aforementioned terrible acting, In the Name of the King violates what should be a central tenant for those in the motion picture business.  DO NOT MAKE MOVIES BASED ON VIDEO GAMES.  When you do; In the Name of the King happens.   

Finally, I have to give a particular many thumbs way down to the plot, direction, pace, and script of In the Name of the King.  From start to finish, it makes no sense and is hard to follow.  It lingers on plot, characters and themes that don't matter, and glosses over everything that would be important to the audience in favor of many many many terrible sweeping battle action sequences.  Yeouch.

Ratings:

Uwe Bole:  I don't know how you can redeem youself...but this was not a good showing for you.

Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds:  Skip it.  Don't watch your own performances

Dates:  Based on your awful choice of movies, you never got another one, did you?  

Love to shake your head in shame?:  Know that there is a direct to DVD sequel starring Dolph Lundgren

Cast of "She's all that"( 1998):  Watch your alumni Mattew Lillard

On a scale of Kull the Conqueror to the bad guys of the movie "The Krug", I give In the Name of the King: a Dungeon Siege Tale 1.2 out of 5 stars.