Cabin Boy (1994)

"I'm sorry, sir.  But, I was just wondering what drifters corpse you stole those shoes from." (Nathaniel Merryweather- Christ Elliot)

The last time I saw this was half asleep on a Sunday afternoon laying on my couch not paying attention to TBS circa 1997.  It hasn't gotten better.  It hasn't gotten worse either, so.......

Basically, Cabin Boy requires so much suspensions of disbelief it's disbelievable.  Even if you just go with it and let it be, it still doesn't make sense.  It was like if Jim Henson, and Barron Von Munchaussen had worked together on a pirate-esque movie.  Chris Elliot's shtick wears thin quick, but who cares.  Bill Murray's brother, The manager from Major League I and II, and Andy Richter keep it lively.

Cabin Boy is pretty quotable, but not the kind of one liners that stick with you more than a day.

Finally, after doing some research as to why Tim Burton didn't direct the movie, I couldn't find a solid answer. I wish he had directed it, if only to add on to the insanity.  Trying to bring rationality to this film would be a crime.

Ratings:

Daaaaavid Letterman:  yup

Monty Python Members:  I would have loved to see this movie star all of you.

Sharkey:  Bizarre

Writers: Skip it

Salty Dogs:  See it

On a scale of scurvy to rickets, I give Cabin Boy 2.0 out of 5 stars.

 

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

"You don't have any friends.  Nobody likes you." (Gollum)
"Give me your name horsemaster, and I shall give you mine." (Gimli)
"We agree..................You are not Orcs." (Treebeard)

Thesis:  Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is the greatest achievement of the Trilogy.  (It is not my favorite or the best.)

1. Movies middles are the hardest to craft thematically.
        A. They lack a clear Beginning and End.
               a. The story was started in Part I
               b. The true emotional/plot payoff is in Part III
        B. The emotional and character arcs are artificial
               a. As the book was written to be one part, the total arc is through 3 parts not just the middle
               b. Watching a middle of middle emotional change would be boring
2. Expectations were through the roof.
        A. Part I was a smashing success
               a. Yes, they were all filmed at the same time, but does that mean the movies won't fall off?
               b. Remember the Matrix II and III?
3. Technical worries
        A. Gollum
             a. Remember Jar Jar?  (Me neither.)
        B. Viewers getting confused
             a. There are three distinctly different stories with 14 main characters.
             b. The main villains don't interact with our heroes and one is a "ancient malevolent spirit of doom" with no real shape.
             c.  Location Location Location
4. The Battle for Helm's Deep
            a.  If the battle was lame....the whole trilogy was screwed.
            b.  If the battle was too good....part III was screwed
            c.  Holding a views attention

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers was a huge triumph.  It was not preordained.  In retrospect it seems like a no brainer...but, I think we should all reconsider our respect for Part II.

Ratings:

Orukhai:  BLARRHGGHHGHGHGH

Sauron: See your doom coming from a far

Zulu: Everybody watch you and marvel at the tension building technique

Film Scholars:  See it

Nerds:  Probably watch it once a year

On a scale from Letters to Emails, I give Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi (2011)

"If you don't love good food, you can't possibly make great food." (Jiro Ono)

Perfection doesn't exist.  If it does, it is fleeting and should be honored.  That's the truth when it comes to Jiro Dreams of Sushi.  It is a celebration and eulogy for the craft, honor, dedication, and skill that molds into one moment of perfection: Sushi.

I am a huge seafood and sushi hondo.  I worked selling fish, I cook seafood all the time, I even dabble in reasonable home-made maki and edo style sushi...and, I would pay the full cost with a smile on my face to eat the food in this movie.  If it could possibly be half as delicious as it looks through the distortion of media, I would be blown off my chair and hurt myself.

While watching Jiro Dreams of Sushi, I couldn't help but notice the semi-somber tone it encapsulated.  Without saying it directly, the real purpose of the move is to highlight the final autumn of a culinary age.  Jiro is old.  He won't be back again.  His tradition goes on, but it may never be exactly the same again.  I'm glad the movie didn't devolve into a discussion of the death of Japanese work ethic or lament the passing of dedication as virtue.  That would trivialize the true meaning of Jiro's work and the sushi.

Lastly, I don't make literary comparisons all that often...as I think crossing mediums does not serve to illuminate art as a stand-alone.  But, I really felt a strong connection between Jiro's sense of quality and "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle".  The pursuit of quality and skill through dedication, feel, and art is worth our appreciation.

Ratings

Hungry:  See it

Super hungry:  Skip it

Hate fish:  Skip it

Slack much?:  Skip it/ See it   (it might change your life.)

Probationary apprentices:  See it  (Know what you are getting into.)

On a scale of Blue Monkfish to Thelonious Monkfish, I give Jiro Dreams of Sushi, 3.4 out of 5 stars.  

Tommy Boy (1995)

"Hey, quit playin with your dingy."  (Tommy Callahan)

Sometimes one should leave well enough alone.  Yup, that's how I feel about Tommy Boy.  I probably saw Tommy Boy in 95, 98, 99, 03, and  few more times that I've forgotten.  Each time I see it, I sort of wish I could forget I watched it so as not to muddy the memory

If one could only be 10 or 11 and watch Tommy Boy for the first time all the time.  That would be pretty great.

All in all.  Tommy Boy is a blah movie that has a great deal of nostalgia attached to it for me that sadly diminishing over time.  "Fat guy in a little coat."  Yup, Chris Farley and David Spade are pretty great. They were a little like Laruel and Hardy.  Other than that, Brian Dennehy has great 15 minutes, and Rob Lowe is awful.

Oh and way to keep the whole "singin like bros" thing from Wayne's World alive.  It's sort of become a cliche now...but I love it.

Ratings

Bros:  Skip it

Salesmen:  See it

Business students: See it

Critics: Get far far away

Beverly Hill's ninjas:  See it

On a scale of D+ to D*, I give Tommy Boy 2.95 out of 5 stars.    

Network (1976)

"YOU HAVE MEDDLED WITH THE FORCES OF NATURE MR. BEAL!!!" (Warren Beatty)

Huh?  So that was Network?  Huh?  I get it.  I get it.  But strangely, I'm not sure that one can ever "get" Network, and that may be part of its brilliance.

Yes, I generally agree with Network's admirers in that it may, in fact, be worthy of a top 100 AFI listing.  It is that good.  But, what astounds me is that everyone seems to agree, quote, drone, and repeat like the "sheep" that are the point of the movie.  From my perspective of having watched it for the first time in 2012, I am struck not by its satire or absurdity, but by its commitment to truth.  The ultimate absurdity of the film is that what was then considered risque, unprofessional, and a breach of character is now passe.  This movie  has become the very "Mad Prophet" that it was intended to lampoon: the first harbinger of what mass consumed communitainement would become.  A Generation Y audience, would probably agree that what happens in this very film is exactly what goes on at a Communications Corporation.  Truth or no Truth.  It's scary stuff.

Ratings:

Fox News: look into the mirror

CNN:  Look into your future

Real news men:  See it and weep

Ever wanted to break your perspective?:  See it

Actors:  See it  (Every performance is incredible.)

On a scale from TRUTH to turth, I give Network 4 out of 5 stars.  

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (1999)

"!#@!&*&$%#%%*&^*)*_)*^&*^%&%$^$#%#@$@##@$##@@!!!!#^$^%$^&%$, Barbra Streisand." [Eric Cartman]

When I was watching this, it was a testament to Trey Parker and Matt Stone's genius that for about 40 minutes I forgot that South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut was released 13 years ago.  13 years!  It blows my mind.

Now that I have seen this movie 3 times, I can state that this movie is in fact a work of genius.  Yes, it is crude, senseless, juvenile, full of potty mouth, constantly inappropriate, flagrantly disrespectful, and a tour de force of the socially unacceptable.  It is also clear from the tone of the movie that the creators response to all of this negative attention is "AND?"  (They don't care.  This movie is on their terms...not ours.)  If you are morally, psychologically, politically, ethnographically, or ecumenically opposed to South Park's posture.  TOUGH...don't watch it.

I think the first real genius point I noticed in South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut upon this viewing was that Trey Parker and Matt Stone actually made a meta-film about their own experience from social reactionaries.  I know, probably others caught on to this way before I did, but still, the whole concept of a movie about negative social reaction to your own movie is brilliant.

Secondly, I have to just give my hats off to basically every single song in the movie.  Each one is  work of a true master by itself...but to have them all in one movie is just an overload.

"Wellllllllllllllllll'  [Cartman)
"Don't say it Cartman" [Kyle]
"Weeeeeeeelllllllllllllllll" [ Cartman]
"I'm warning you." [Kyle]
"Wellll, Kyle's mom's a...."[Cartman]

"Up there, there's so much room, where babies burp and flowers bloom, everyone dreams, I can dream too, up there, up there."  [Satan]

'You see the distant flames they bellow in the night, you fight in all our names for what we know is right, and when you all get shot,and cannot carry on, though you die, La Resistance lives on.  You may get stabbed in the head by a dagger or a sword, you may burned to death or skinned alive or worse. But when they torture you, you won't feel the need to run for, though you die, La Resistance lives on." [Gregory]

Oh, and I think it's great to have more homages to The Pirates of Penzance in movies.

Ratings:

Gilbert and Sullivan:  See it

MANL (Mother's Against Naughty Language):  You really should see it with an open heart and mind...but

Free Speechists:  Obviously See it

Canadians:  Yup, must see

George Clooney:  You were in this movie.  You saw it.

On a  scale of Don Quixote to the RNC, I give South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut 4 out of 5 stars.


   

Leon: The Professional (1994)

"What?  It's John Wayne."  [Leon] Jean Russo

There is a lot I could talk about in this often missed classic; Jean Russo, and Luc Besson should give classes on how to actually make a bad-ass cinematically; This was Natalie Portman's movie debut and she is way way way too young to give a performance like this; and Luc Basson accomplishes a veritable double back double twist with no splash, by successfully creating a basically impossible balance of heart, suspense, and action.  But,

I want to talk about Gary Oldman.  I've been trying to think for the past like 5 minutes of a movie where I didn't just love Gary Oldman.  He is a consummate professional.  I even watched a terrible movie where he could have totally phoned in a check...and nope his performance was perfect.  In The Professional, Gary Oldman plays the vicious, vain, and yet still somehow charming CIA agent Norman Stansfield.  It's a beautiful portrayal of the truly psychotic.  The best part of his performance was clearly when he thinks he has been exposed and that our protagonists have escaped: his response "get everyone. [quietly]" "GET EVERYONE!"  Gary Oldman is a true master.

Ratings

Real hitmen:  Skip it

Faux-hitmen: See it

Danny Aielo:  Yup

Lonely like Leon?:  See it

Want to appreciate the marvel of a Thriller, but yet heartfelt (and not appropriate) love story?:  See it

On a scale of Mr. Big http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mister_Big_(Rocky_and_Bullwinkle) to Mr. Big http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Big_(band) , I give Leon: The Professional 3.87 out of 5 stars.