South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (1999)

"!#@!&*&$%#%%*&^*)*_)*^&*^%&%$^$#%#@$@##@$##@@!!!!#^$^%$^&%$, Barbra Streisand." [Eric Cartman]

When I was watching this, it was a testament to Trey Parker and Matt Stone's genius that for about 40 minutes I forgot that South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut was released 13 years ago.  13 years!  It blows my mind.

Now that I have seen this movie 3 times, I can state that this movie is in fact a work of genius.  Yes, it is crude, senseless, juvenile, full of potty mouth, constantly inappropriate, flagrantly disrespectful, and a tour de force of the socially unacceptable.  It is also clear from the tone of the movie that the creators response to all of this negative attention is "AND?"  (They don't care.  This movie is on their terms...not ours.)  If you are morally, psychologically, politically, ethnographically, or ecumenically opposed to South Park's posture.  TOUGH...don't watch it.

I think the first real genius point I noticed in South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut upon this viewing was that Trey Parker and Matt Stone actually made a meta-film about their own experience from social reactionaries.  I know, probably others caught on to this way before I did, but still, the whole concept of a movie about negative social reaction to your own movie is brilliant.

Secondly, I have to just give my hats off to basically every single song in the movie.  Each one is  work of a true master by itself...but to have them all in one movie is just an overload.

"Wellllllllllllllllll'  [Cartman)
"Don't say it Cartman" [Kyle]
"Weeeeeeeelllllllllllllllll" [ Cartman]
"I'm warning you." [Kyle]
"Wellll, Kyle's mom's a...."[Cartman]

"Up there, there's so much room, where babies burp and flowers bloom, everyone dreams, I can dream too, up there, up there."  [Satan]

'You see the distant flames they bellow in the night, you fight in all our names for what we know is right, and when you all get shot,and cannot carry on, though you die, La Resistance lives on.  You may get stabbed in the head by a dagger or a sword, you may burned to death or skinned alive or worse. But when they torture you, you won't feel the need to run for, though you die, La Resistance lives on." [Gregory]

Oh, and I think it's great to have more homages to The Pirates of Penzance in movies.

Ratings:

Gilbert and Sullivan:  See it

MANL (Mother's Against Naughty Language):  You really should see it with an open heart and mind...but

Free Speechists:  Obviously See it

Canadians:  Yup, must see

George Clooney:  You were in this movie.  You saw it.

On a  scale of Don Quixote to the RNC, I give South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut 4 out of 5 stars.


   

Leon: The Professional (1994)

"What?  It's John Wayne."  [Leon] Jean Russo

There is a lot I could talk about in this often missed classic; Jean Russo, and Luc Besson should give classes on how to actually make a bad-ass cinematically; This was Natalie Portman's movie debut and she is way way way too young to give a performance like this; and Luc Basson accomplishes a veritable double back double twist with no splash, by successfully creating a basically impossible balance of heart, suspense, and action.  But,

I want to talk about Gary Oldman.  I've been trying to think for the past like 5 minutes of a movie where I didn't just love Gary Oldman.  He is a consummate professional.  I even watched a terrible movie where he could have totally phoned in a check...and nope his performance was perfect.  In The Professional, Gary Oldman plays the vicious, vain, and yet still somehow charming CIA agent Norman Stansfield.  It's a beautiful portrayal of the truly psychotic.  The best part of his performance was clearly when he thinks he has been exposed and that our protagonists have escaped: his response "get everyone. [quietly]" "GET EVERYONE!"  Gary Oldman is a true master.

Ratings

Real hitmen:  Skip it

Faux-hitmen: See it

Danny Aielo:  Yup

Lonely like Leon?:  See it

Want to appreciate the marvel of a Thriller, but yet heartfelt (and not appropriate) love story?:  See it

On a scale of Mr. Big http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mister_Big_(Rocky_and_Bullwinkle) to Mr. Big http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Big_(band) , I give Leon: The Professional 3.87 out of 5 stars.

Larger than Life (1996)

"They say an elephant never forgets, but what they don't tell you is that you never forget an elephant" [Bill Murray]

There is no need to explain this movie.  It's Bill Murray and an elephant.  It's not a great movie.  But, it does have Bill Murray and an elephant.

Highlights:  Bill Murray working with an elephant. -The elephant saves a Mexican village.  Matthew McConaughey gets into his crazy character and shows some vocal garbble chops.

Low lights:  Pretty much everything except for when Bill Murray is with the elephant.

Ratings:

Elephants:  See it

Want to see something you never really expected had happened?:  See it

Love Elephant puns?:  See it

Those cruel to animals:  Skip it

Career risk takers: Totally see it

On a scale from Pakistan to Pakiderm, I give Larger than Life 2.89 out of 5 stars.  

The Magic Christian (1969)

"I think they are trying to bribe us." [The Oxford Crew]
"They ARE." [The Oxford Coach]

It's weird to me that I had never seen or heard of The Magic Christian.  Seriously, Peter Sellers and Ringo Starr.  Totally my sort of thing...but alas.  I didn't even know it existed till about 4 days ago. My world is now slightly better.

It's also strange to me that I so thoroughly enjoyed a movie that really has no plot.  What it is basically a serious of Monty Python-esque vignettes about messing with people by paying them money.  It also just takes the piss out everyone who is rich or aspires to be rich.  Ahhh corruption.  Whatever..it's just money.  But, I'm pretty sure the best bit is when Peter Sellers makes the Hot Dog guy chase down a train.

"I'd like a hot doggie, please." [Peter Sellers]

On a more meaningful note, after watching The Magic Christian, I wondered if a film like it or even one close to as blatantly anti-rich/wealth could be made in present day.  I pains me that my conclusion was that in today's world such mockery would be castigated and sent packing for tempting the scorn of deeply entrenched political and economic powers.  I'm sure it could be made.  But, it would get no traction and go no where.

Ratings:

Capitalists:  See it

Socio-political elites:  See it

Michael Moore: has to have seen it

Fox News Pundits:  Skip it...no wait see it {tee hee hee}

The College bound:  See it

On a scale of a 1 dollar bribe to a 1,000,000 dollar bribe, I give The Magic Christian 3.54 out of 5 stars.

  

Ricky Oh -The Story of Ricky (1991)

"Why didn't you let the doctors take the five bullets out of you?" -Prison Guard
"Souvenirs."  -Ricky

Wow!! Just Wow!! Unbelieveable!  If there were ever a movie that is a pure manifestation of why people went to the movies beyond the Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Ricky Oh -The Story of Ricky is it.

*Side note, I had always wondered where that gif of a man crushing another man's head like a watermelon that they used for "5 questions" on The Daily Show came from.  It's from Ricky Oh.

 

Quick plot:  Far into the future in the year 2001, a Ricky is sent to a privatized prison for assault.  The prison is a facade for organized brutality and gang-related drug trafficking under the watchful "eye" of the sublieutenant warden and his overlord warden Cobra.  Ricky, proceeds to fight, and then fight, and then fight some more until the prisoners are free of tyranny.  Did I mention, that Ricky is so strong he can literally rip people apart and punch through them.

The Highs:
1 Gore, gore, blood, splatter, and more cheesy shocking gore.
2 The version I watched was dubbed from Cantonese into Mandarin and given English subtitles.
3 The sublieutenant warden is so bad.  So bad.  He has one eye and one glass eye that he keeps mints in.  The walls of his office are stacked 10 feet high with horrifying porn.  His right hand is combination hook and tongs.  He eats his steak with his hook, and nothing else.   (I think he may also be responsible for the building of special trap cells within the prison.  One of them fills with wet concrete, and the other has the ceiling fall and crush inmates.)
4 The final fight scene between Ricky and Warden Cobra (who reveals his true ogre form) that ends with the warden fighting back while being ground up in a meat grinder is spectacular.

The Lows:
There really are no lows to this movie.  Just more gore.  At some point, you just give up and the lows become highs.    

Ratings

Kung Fu experts:  Skip it

Prison planners:  See it

You can tie your own tendons back together when they are severed?:  You are Ricky Oh.  You clearly saw it.

Writers:  See it  (That Sublieutenant Warden is so bad.)

Kids:  Perhaps not until you are 13-4 (Seriously, there is a lot of gore.)

On a scale of Texas Chain Saw Massacre to Shoot Em' Up, I give Ricky Oh -The Story of Ricky 3.4 out of 5 stars.

Rudy (1993)

"I want Rudy to dress in my place, Coach."  (Notre Dame -captain 1975)  *Never really happened, but I don't care.

While I am not classically athletic, I do like sports.  I also have a soft spot for sports movies. They're pretty much all the same, but I love them anyway.  Here is an example of a standard plot.

Team/Individual is bad or has a cultural obstacle to overcome.

Team/Individual encounters set backs

Inspirational coach or mentor shows up and teaches a lesson about inner worth

The team/individual finds it within themselves to win ( With inspirational music and montages of winning.)

Seriously, that's how basically all of these work.  They're so simple and heartwarming.

While Rudy definitely falls into this category of "sports movie".  There are three things that set it apart.  1.  A great performance from Sean Astin (Did you know his mother was Patty Duke?) 2.  Rudy is not about winning.  and 3. An impressive and often stolen soundtrack by Jerry Goldsmith.

Yeah seriously, Rudy is not about winning.  One in a million sports movie on that one.  Rudy's goal is to play.    It's nice to see a movie that has its priorities straight.

Here's a link to the theme if you've never heard it.  (which is unlikely.)  Way to go Jerry G. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-09ayPX_KVs

Ratings:

Hoosiers:  See it (Rudy was made by many of the same people.)

Players:  See it

Winners:  Skip it

Talented?:  See it

Talentless?:  See it

On a scale of Rocky Left-Handed in Rocky I to Rocky Right-Handed in Rocky II, I give Rudy 3.7 out of 5 stars.

  

Mean Girls (2004)

"Ashton Kutcher?  Is that a band?" (Cady -Lindsey Lohan)

Have you ever gotten peer pressure about something that you just didn't ever assume people would disagree with you about, care enough to disagree with you about, or know enough about to go all "herd mentality" on you?  This is what has happened to me with Mean Girls.  (Lots of people LOVED Mean Girls...but not me.)

-One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. Mean Girls is good.  Mean Girls is good.  Mean Girls is good.  Mean Girls is funny.  Mean Girls is funny.  Mean Girls is funny. ....

I guess I should keep my movie opinions to myself.  (Oh wait, I have a blog.)  I'm going to admit that for people slightly younger than me or even my age may hold Mean Girls in great esteem as a high school cultural touchstone that I can just never understand, as I didn't see it at the time of its release. (When I assume it had cultural relevance.)

So I think it should be pretty clear that I didn't think much of Mean Girls.  However, that doesn't mean I found nothing redeemable about it, that it was unwatchable or that it was not worth its Netflix bandwidth.

I'm just going to list off the things that were completely acceptable and even pretty good about Mean Girls

-Actresses Lacey Chabert and Amanda Seyfried were perfect in their roles.  They should be in more things.  They took what I considered to be B roles to our main characters and made them in to memorable A performances.

-Writer Tina Fey wrote a killer screenplay full of quickish funny funny one liners.  But, I had hoped for all the hype I got pre and rancor I incurred post would have meant the screenplay would have been a ground breaking new standard in teen comedy story telling or a rejection of high school stereotypes or just something else.   Great jokes Tina!!

-Neil Flynn.  You are awesome.  Be in everything from now on.

Ratings:

Plastics:  See it

High Schoolers in 2003-4:  See it

High Schoolers in 2003-2004 who didn't see it then:  Skip it?

John Hughes:  See it

Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused:  See it (Of course)

On a scale from toaster stroodle to belgian waffles, I give Mean Girls 3.1 out of 5 stars.    

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

"I would have followed you..my brother, my captain, my King."  (Boromir)

"I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor.  The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun.  Go back to the Shadow.  You cannot pass.  YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" (Gandalf the Grey)

After watching this movie and it's brothers way too many times, I can right now claim that I think The Fellowship of the Ring is my favorite pure movie of the trilogy. (Comments and debates on the subject welcome.)

More than Ten years later, and I am still in awe of the this movie.  Yes, it is rather long in it's extended cut, and as a friend pointed out if you have to pee at any point after they leave Lothlorien; urine trouble.  -They're on boats and approaching waterfalls for the next like 30+ minutes with the constant sound of moving water in the back soundscape.  (hahahahaha)

Great things in the movie:  The Shire, Uruk-hai, Saruman the Wise (Christopher Lee), Gandalf the Grey, (Ian McKellen), A Balrog of Morgoth,  John Rhys-Davis (Gimili),  Aragorn (Viggo Mortenson) saying a quick prayer to his sword before taking on an entire cadre of Uruk-Hai,  Ring Wraiths, Sauron, The long dark of Moria, Boromir's (Sean Bean) greatest death on screen in the last 20 years, it goes on and  on and on.

Ratings:

Everyone:  See it

Me:  Watch it again next year

Tolkein if were still alive:  See it  (He might hate it...but at least he should see it.)

AFI top 100 film inclusion committee:  See it

On a 5th date?:  See it.  If you date hates it with rage.....

On a scale from sunrises on the beach after being out all night with true friends to the moment on Christmas morning when everyone has sat down, but the presents have not yet been opened, I give The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring 4.6 out of 5 stars.

Tidal Wave (해운대 Haeundae) (2009)

"We could be looking at a MEGA-Tsunami."

Yup, A Korean disaster movie.  The "first" Korean disaster movie.  Okay, I admit it was bad.  Really really bad.  But, I'm going to spend this post talking about how and why Tidal Wave was amazing.  Because in a non-cinematic, or "proper" way it was utterly fantastic.

Here is what I loved about Tidal Wave:

1.  It was so simple. No illusions about what was going to happen in Tidal Wave.  There is, amazingly, a tidal wave.  That's really basically all that happens.  They don't stop it.  They don't even fight against it.  It just rolls over Busan.  Simple.   Yes, there is a plot...but that really just serves to have characters in key geographies and across the strata of Korean society.

2.  It was so easy to turn into a game.  Before watching Tidal Wave, I made a series of rules that would allow me to enjoy the movie more thoroughly.
Rule #1 Whenever a character says the words tidal wave, tsunami, or earthquake
Rule #2 If a character ever has to go into a dangerous situation to save a child or animal.
Rule #3 If a character says " I love you." while dying or in a near death situation.
Rule #4 Whenever a character has to say "Over here!"
Rule #5 Anytime a character or characters should have listened to the "Jeff Goldblum" esque charcter who had been predicting the tidal wave. (Ala Jurassic Park.)

I went five for five in predicting this movie.  Thoroughly enjoyable.

Ratings

Korean critics:  Saw it and probably said it was the best Korean disaster movie ever!!

Surfers:  See and think about riding the most epic wave.

Jeff Goldblum: See it.  Everyone should always know to listen to you.

K-Beach girls during the 5-6 weeks of official beach season:  Skip it.  Stay on the beach.

Got Netflix and want to have an above average time watching a film?:  Totally

On a scale from 2NE1 to Wondergirls, I give Tidal Wave 2.!!* out of 5 stars.

Sneakers (1992)

"Cattle mutilations are up."  (Mother -Dan Aykroyd)

I don't think I have ever seen a Robert Redford film I didn't like.  Sneakers is no exception.  From my perspective, Sneakers is sort of a hybrid between The Sting and Ocean's Eleven.  My only wish is that it were slightly more stylish.  (That's a harsh criticism. hahaha)

 When it comes to All-Star cast movies, I generally think the key is that if everybody is having fun, the movie will be a success.  If your stars don't get along,you will have a goose egg.  In the case of Sneakers, I think the cast actually got along very well.  My guess is that Dan Aykroyd, and Sidney Poitier got along so well they might even stay in touch to this day.  The idea that Robert Redford was working with River Phoenix still blows my mind.  (I truly wish River was still with us.  He would be the new Robert Redford in a way Brad Pitt just can't.)  I do show my age in that it was refreshing to watch Mary McDonald in a role other than Larua Roslin.  Cast dynamics are hard in the simplest of movies, if I ever get the chance to meet Phil Alden Robinson, the director, I'll have to ask him how he did it?

Lastly, I want to give both praise and ribbings to the decision makers when it came to the soundtrack of Sneakers.  I think somewhere, sometime at some screening there may have been some commentary that the movie lacked excitement.  So I think the solution was to apply EXTREMELY LOUD like 1950's horror film excite inducing background music to any scene where it was clear things were supposed to be exciting.  IT WORKED!!!  I just sort of wished Mr. Robinson had used a scalpel instead of a club.

Spys:  See it

Super Spys:  Skip it

Admiral Adama:  See it  (Laura R was even prettier back in 1992)

Teams:  See it

John Williams:  Skip it

On a scale of S'more to S'moreo, I give Sneakers 3.65 out of 5 stars.