The Martian (2015)

"I am officially out of ketchup." -Mark Watney

"Well, Mars would fall under maritime law..." -Venkat Kapoor

"If we are going to have a secret project called "Elrond", then I want my code name to be "Glorfindel"." -Teddy Sanders

"Rich Purnell is a steely-eyed missile man." -Ares 3 crew

A review of The Martian in 3 poems

#1
Antiquated technology
Positive role models in science
One step at a time
Life is hard to sustain
Long live disco
Oxygen?
1 man on a mission
3 molecules in water

2015's look to the future

#2
Mars vs. Matt Damon, Tonight!
With a soundtrack both gaudy and bright
Center-stage go the nerds
time lapses, two-thirds
to combat hexi-decimal fright


#3
Great big pan shots, Woo!!
Space travel is Oregon Trail
Fear of being alone

On a scale of Pluto Nash to the Poseidon Adventure, I give The Martian 3.1 out of 5 stars.

Death to Smoochy (2002)

"Don't get mad at your step-dad. It's not his fault. He's just adjusting." -Smoochy

"The Parade of Hope!. Their the meanest of all the charities." -Bert Bennett

"You know the Clunky Wunky?" -Sheldon Mopes
"Know it? I did it for my first communion." -Nora Wells

"When my brothers and I played cowboys and indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker." -Sheldon Mopes

"Rumple Foreskin" -Rainbow Randolph

"Oh, you too big for your uncle Mort -Mr.Death to Smoochy?" -Jon Stewart, making fun of himself on The Daily Show

Let's make no bones about this.  I love Death to Smoochy.  It is amazing. Others may disagree with me. They are wrong. Pbhhhhhhh!!!!

It is crass. It is tacky. It is rude. It is generally stupid, but Death to Smoochy, is also thoroughly uplifting. The ice show with salt free pretzels, organic apple snacks, and a cathartic shiva for the recently passed Moochy is beautiful. The end credit flying ice dance sequence is also fantastic.

Danny Devito, please feel free to direct more films.

On a scale of Krinkle kids to Rhinettes, I give Death to Smoochy 3.8 out of 5 stars.

Spy (2015)

"As soon as I saw you in that abortion of a dress, as if to say this is what I've got, world. It's hideous, but it's mine." Rayna Boyanov

"I mean, you may never be as wise as an owl, but you'll always be a hoot to me." -Susan Cooper

So, Spy is actually pretty good. Its insults are vulgar, its comedy is reasonably well timed, the cast is delightful. I could go into some negative points, but why? If you want to laugh a good bit to a comedic spy-thriller with a twist. Go for it. I want to talk about something else.

I've noticed a trend that when an actor makes it big, (comedian, dramatic, romantic..whatever), there is just this push that they must make an action movie. I bet studio execs call it the gun test. "Can (insert name of new star) carry a gun and pull it off?" If they can, they are a bankable star.  If they cannot, their future is more limited. My hunch is that this has something to do with the push away from comedy and drama towards action as it translates better to foreign markets. Chinese movie goers might not get American jokes or love, but they do understand explosions and guns.  As a single point of evidence for my thought, I consider that all of the movies for Melissa McCarthy post Bridesmaids have been gun related: Tammy, The Heat, and now Spy. (Emily Blunt is falling into this category, too.) Melissa has proven that she can carry a gun. I expect that we will see her in more action based films from here on out.  It's strange to think of violent movies as the one thing we all understand around the world...but that seems to be the way of it.

On a scale of a pink sweatshirt wearing Iowan with 3 cats on her first trip to Paris to a red dress wearing Parisian with 3 poodles on her first trip to Iowa, I give Spy 2.8 out of 5 stars.

The Wedding Ringer (2015)

"You can hide a fat ass in some baggy pants, but you cannot hide a bad dancer." -Jimmy

I feel like this movie has been made before.  Nothing in it was new.  Nothing.  The best part is 20 seconds of Josh Gad dancing with Kevin Hart. Josh Gad has moves. Beyond that, and the occasional situational comedy laugh, nothing.  Nothing. Kevin Hart is funny.  I just can't really bring myself to like any of his movies or his movie banter. Not even, NFL greats Joe Namath, Ed "Too Tall" Jones, and John Riggins can save this disaster. Jorge Garcia and Aaron Takahashi, please be in more movies. In short, I do not recommend The Wedding Ringer on any level, but if you happen to be in the mood for a truly mediocre not bad enough to laugh at film at 2am on Thursday, have at it.

On a scale of The Wedding Singer to The Wedding Clinger, I give The Wedding Ringer 1.97 out of 5 stars.    

Mr. Holmes (2015)

"Have you ever been bitten?" -Rodger
"Stung! Bees don't have teeth." -Sherlock Holmes

"Because when you're a detective, and a man comes to see you, it's usually about his wife." -Sherlock Holmes

Short Review: As character studies go, Mr. Holmes is better than most. But, as movies go Mr. Holmes is very strange, British fan service.  If you are obsessed with Sherlock Holmes then this is a must see, if you are not...you can at least appreciate the, as advertised and expected, excellent acting of Sir Ian McKellan. 2.35 out of 5 stars.

Long Review: I think that a-temporal story telling has its place and use. Many films use flashbacks and flash-forwards to control information to an audience, holding it back when necessary, granting it when appropriate. It's not as common to see mismatched timelines as a story device for aging and disjointed memory. Sherlock is getting old and thus he lives in both past and present simultaneously -interesting narrative device, I liked it. The stories;all tragedies, the old, the recent past, and the present were not to my liking and, honestly, a little boring.  I also think that there must have been a make-up change during the filming, because Sir Ian's make-up varied greatly in each time period, and not for the better.  His old man make-up at the beginning of was considerably worse that his old man make-up at the film's conclusion.  Finally, I had no idea that a glass harmonica was an instrument until I watched Mr. Holmes.  I want one.  More glass harmonicas in films please.

On a scale of royal jelly to royal peanut butter, I give Mr. Holmes 2.35 out of 5 stars.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQemvyyJ--g  -A glass harmonica video.  Check it out.  

Big Hero 6 (2014)

"Get ready to have your face melted." -Aunt Cass
"Diagnosis: Puberty." -Baymax.

Short Review:  Big Hero 6 is cute and fun. It is not particularly innovative or groundbreaking. Pretty good is good enough for a middling thumbs up. See it if you have kids, are a kid, or just happen upon it in the course of random media consumption. 2.8 out of 5 stars.

Long form review:  I might have given Big Hero 6 a better review if not for the extreme appropriation of a Stargate to finish the film. Stargate was great.  More Stargate please. I just would want others to acknowledge Stargate when appropriating its likenesses.  That said I was extremely impressed with the iconographic use of shape within the design of characters in Big Hero 6. I consider this a sign of next level film making and art design.  Most animated features that employee this technique don't try and hide their efforts as making each character a distinctive shape ( circle, square, triangle, etc.) creates easy differentiation for viewers.  Big Hero 6 still used this template, but did a masterful job of softening their work for a smooth believable world.  I appreciated the design team's efforts to include a variety of body types, and forms, both male and female.  I feel that female characters, in particular, have been limited as to what kinds of body types make the big screen.  People come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, and physiques.  Animated people should too. Variety is truer to reality, empowering, and welcome.

Oh and Alan Tudyk can be in anything he likes.

On a scale of Fox Force 5 to the 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins, I give Big Hero 6 2.8 out of 5 stars.

Cinderella (2015)

"Just because it's what's done doesn't mean it's what should be done." -Ella & Prince Charming

Hmmmm...This is an interesting trend within film and Disney specifically. I am aware of Enchanted, Maleficent, 101 Dalmatians, and an upcoming Mulan film. (I am sure there are more in the works.)  Long time readers of the blog know that I am not a fan of remakes. However, the idea to take a successful animated film and remake it live action is intriguing, and I am not opposed out of principle. In fact, given the time between releases, I was curious to look for generational, social, and practical differences between the animated and live action.

With that in mind, OK Disney, you've run out of ideas and some MBAs have instructed you that reinvigorating your existing successful brands to maintain public interest is smart business.  I bet films that have existing brand cache do better abroad too. Boo. Stop making monetary decisions.  Start making new, interesting, innovative, and above all original films. @Disney; you have successfully found a way to reduce the inherent financial risk of film production through volume, aggressive marketing, and great consumer insights that allow you to give audiences what they want. I counter that audiences do not know what they want. They know what they have liked, but are poor poor futurists. Please bring back the risk.  It will help you stay creative and open to the possibly disruptive opportunities of the future. Also as I quoted a moral from your feature. Take your own  advice.

To the film.  Cinderella is OK.  In fact, it's definitely on the positive side of OK. If you bring together an all-star cast of notables and tell a classic tale with a huge costume budget and good cinematography, everything will be just fine.

Acting highlights included: The performance of Cate Blanchett; Sophie McShera in all things; and Derek Jacobi as the Old King -All I could think of was him as Emperor Claw-claw Claudius

Acting lowlights included: Helena Bonham Carter as The Fairy Godmother -I love HBC, I just was turned off by her attacking and aggressive "Bibbity Bobbity Boo".

Other highlights: Competent , but not necessarily inspired directing by Kenneth Branagh; and COLORS COLORS COLORS.  Oh my, did they go wild with the colors in Cinderella.  I think the goal was to promote the fantasy and blur the lines between cartoon color and real life.

On a scale of technicolor to technocolor, I give Cinderella (2015) 2.8 out of 5 stars.