Never Say Never Again (1983)

Fatima Blush: Write! Now write this: "The greatest rapture in my life was afforded to me on a boat in Nassau by Fatima Blush." Sign: "James Bond, 007."

James Bond: I just remembered. It's against Service policy for agents to give endorsements.

Nurse: Mr. Bond, I need a urine sample. If you could fill this beaker for me?

James Bond: From here?

So 1983 must have been just a Bond hey-day. 2 Bonds in 1 year. 

Never Say Never Again (NSNA) is the last Connery Bond and he was 52 during filming. His love interest, Kim Basinger, was 29. That out of bounds of half age plus seven rule. I can understand why both he and Moore were phased out. 

Interestingly, I thought I recognized this story. It was like Thunderball, but not. And, now having read the wiki on the film 1, I can say with confidence that NSNA is, in fact, Thunderball 2.0. Seeing as Thunderball is a decent Bond, NSNA is on the positive side of the pantheon. Yet, it stands out in several key ways.

1. It doesn't have a shadowplay 60's entendre opening. 
2. The song is just awful.  -Please make me listen to All Time High again! Please!
3. It employees a lot of old jokes. 
4. Spectre is back

After so many films, it is almost bizarre to see a different production company and supporting cast take on all the familiar roles; M, Q, Moneypenny, etc. I thought of the alternate universe from fringe on several occasions. 

On a scale of smuggling candy into summer camp to smuggling vodka, caviar, foie gras, and quail eggs to James Bond at a health center, I give Never Say Never Again 2.88 out of 5 stars. 

On a strange point, I find it unsettling that Octopussy outperformed Never Say Never again in terms of financial returns. There is no question in my mind which is the better movie.  

But, the Moore vs Connery battle, in this case, went to Moore.   -But the judges are wrong. 

Octopussy (1983)

General Anatoly Gogol: [contemptuously] A common thief. A disgrace to the uniform!
Orlov: Yes, but tomorrow, I shall be a hero of the Soviet Union.

Q: [being kissed by Octopussy's girls after knocking out a bandit] Cut it out! We don't have time for that! Later perhaps.

Not the worst Bond.  Close, but not. Octopussy (O) has the highest level of stereotyping in the franchise -by a mile. If there is a cliche to be used, O goes for it. It also is the winner in the creepy clown count, too.

This is the Bond where James goes to India. (I always try to diligently remember that while India is one country, it's really more like Europe in terms of people and diversity.)  For 1983, taking Bond to India was a big step in terms of cross-culturalism. (In that context, I think O is a net positive.) On the other hand, O is so ludicrous orientalist and stereotyped filled that it made me uneasy.

Bond:

• pulls a sword out of sword swallower
• walks on hot coals
• snake charms
• climbs a magic rope
• faces down a tiger
• throws money for Indians in the street as a diversion
• uses a bed of nails as a gag

It goes on and on and on. The most outlandish I felt was when James is set loose in the jungle to be hunted from elephant back like "the most dangerous game".

Moving on to other uneasy topics...I often think about ownership of culture or creativity. Did I create something new? Am I copying someone else? Am I copying with what intentions? How do I feel? How do those that I am copying feel? -This is just me. I think that O is on the wrong side of cultural appropriation with regards to clothing and cultural sexual displays. I am happy to see other people trying on different clothing from their standard. For example, I like wearing a yukata when in Japan. But, the sheer number of European women wearing Indian clothing as pure costume and as a sign of sexual display was out of touch from reality and good taste. In fact, the idea that Octopussy can simple be a guru to a cadre of specifically desirable and liberated women in India is off-putting from a power/gender/culture perspective.

Lastly, I seem to be a good prognosticator, Russian American/NATO power politics are the continuing core of James Bonds in the 80s.

Points and questions:

1. Were circuses really that popular back then? I know they are dying/dead in 2017, but how popular were they really in 1983? 
2. Vijay Armritaj -You were great in your role. I was sorry to see you die. IMDB
3. If he wasn't in FYEO, Roger Moore was too old to be Bond in 1983.
4. Roger Moore looks terrible as a clown. 
5. Louis Jourdan was the most non-descript villain of the series. 

On a scale of 1 sad clown in a car to clown car math, I give Octopussy 1.87 out of 5 stars.

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Melina: I don't expect you to understand, you're English, but I'm half Greek and Greek women like Elektra always avenge their loved ones!

James Bond: That's detente, comrade; *You* don't have it, *I* don't have it.

I think this might be the most middling of the James Bonds. It simply is OK. This may have been on purpose. After the Space Oddity that was Moonraker, it was perhaps time to bring James Bond back to reality. So, the saving the world from a megalomanic mad-man idea was put on hold for a practical story. Britain lost its "ENIGMA" machine, James Bond needs to get it before the Soviets. For Your Eyes Only (FYEO), feels kinda pedestrian with its bad man (Greek Smuggler [Villain of Last Crusade and Grand Maester Pycelle]) simply wanting to sell "ENIGMA" to the soviets. The big signal for this is that Bond finally kills his nemesis Blofeld in the opening sequence. Just an OK Bond.

Things I noticed:

1. The writers really got creative with how to incorporate every idea they could of winter sports. James Bond even goes off a ski jump. Significantly, better snow battles than OHMSS. 
2. I am not one who thinks of figure skaters in a sexual or romantic sense. Clearly, the writers of FYEO did, or at least they thought men of 1981 would. The whole plot seems bizarre to me. 
3. As to why to include so many Winter Sports, I would point to the success of the 1980 Winter Olympics (Miracle on Ice). This may have been a high water mark for interest in these activities. 
4. I haven't seen yet, but I am going to bet that the Russians will be Bond's general adversary through the 80s. The era of mad-men bent on "Taking over the World" is past.
5. The 80's hair on Eastern Germans on skis was amazing.
6. We're getting to the era of Bond where we can see older actors today when they were young -Looking at you Julian Glover and Charles Dance. 

On a scale of K90 to K120, I give For Your Eyes Only 2.86 out of 5 stars.  

Moonraker (1979)

"Well...here's to us." -Jaws

Moonraker is a disaster plain and simple. Certainly worth watching once cuz it's a Bond..I guess, but not worth rewatching---ever.

And yes, I was right in my guess made in my SWLM post.  This plot and movie were conceived of in post-Star Wars afterglow. Underwater was what IT was and now what it IS is space. So, 007 goes to space.

There were only 3 real bright spots for me. 1. Jaws, 2. The technical weightless effects, and 3. The writers who dared to set a whole fight sequence on a sky gondola. Other than that, mandatorily forgettable.

For 1978 filming, I thought the ability to have multiple people appear to float space-like was rather spectacular. Kudos to those tech guys.

What I really hated was that I could see where Moonraker is a hack. They took what was usable -almost shot for shot from YOLT and combine it with mimic shot for mimic shot from Star Wars. (Though this does not apply to the lasers or space ships- they were awful. It's really ILM or nothing in my book.) Seriously, if I could rename Moonraker, it would be You Only Live Star Wars.

Oh, the Venetian gondola that turns into a hover craft was stupid (It lacked all cool.), and Michael Lonsdale looks, acts, and sounds like Peter Dinklage playing Tyrion Lannister.  Or Peter Dinklage is doing an amazing Hugo Drax impression?

On a scale of Bond in space to Muppets in space, I give Moonraker 1.6 out of 5 stars.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

M: 007!
General Anatol Gogol: XXX!
Sir Frederick Gray, Minister of Defence: Bond! What do you think you're doing?
James Bond: Keeping the British end up, sir.

Sheikh Hoseim: Are you, eh, quite sure I can't persuade you to stay the night?
James Bond: When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures.

The Spy Who Loved Me (SWLM) is, for my money, a classic of James Bond -if not the best that I've seen. (Judgement and ranking to be done after seeing them all.)

SWLM is just the right level of ludicrous to be enjoyable fun. The Carly Simon song is a great fit, setting the mood, just right.

I could go on about the specifics of SWLM; the submarine car holds up really well, it was good to see a female counter part to 007, and the indestructible Jaws; but what I really want to talk about is production and its history.

SWLM was released in July of 1977 a full 3 years after MWTGG. Bonds, at the time, were coming out every 1 or 2 years.  So why the delay? My answer comes from understanding a little about movie history. I'm betting that the writers scrapped a whole different movie after seeing the success of Jaws in 1975. The studio wanted to capitalize on public interest in sharks and all things ocean. So, the producers/writers went back and created a story about a mad villain who wanted to live in a post-nuclear holocaust Atlantis. They even included character called Jaws.

Unfortunately for them, while SWLM was well received, it was swallowed by the release of Star Wars in late May of 77. Underwater terror was out. Space was in. -hence the idea of Moonraker.

On a scale of Nick Nack to Jaws, I give The Spy Who Loved Me 3.4 out of 5 stars.

The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

James Bond: I mean sir, who would pay a million dollars to have me killed?
M: Jealous husbands! Outraged chefs! Humiliated tailors! The list is endless!

Lazar: Mr. Bond, bullets do not kill. It is the finger that pulls the trigger.
James Bond: Exactly. I am now aiming precisely at your groin. So speak or forever hold your piece.

Everything about The Man with the Golden Gun is mediocre.  Passably so.  It is the bread and room temperature water of Bonds.  It doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy it, I simply feel bland about it.

The song is forgettable. The plot standardly Bond. The production adequate, and the cast knows the drill. So, there's nothing to get excited or feel bad about.

In the chronology of Bond, I would say with Roger Moore this is the beginning of the era where the script has to be simply bursting with ribald puns and crude jokes told in a classy way. My less than precise accounts puts the jokes for Moore at 2x over Connery per film. (They are generally better jokes, too.)

This Bond is slightly unique in that Bond doesn't so much travel to one place as many.  I think they just figured...yeah let's just send him to.....Asia....  My count was Macau, Hong Kong, Thailand, and somewhere in China. I am guessing that Red China at the time was none too keen to allow extended filming within their borders. I also noticed a Pan-Asian theme in that the business man's lair in Thailand was full of Chinese Architecture and allusions to sumo wrestlers. My own tastes would have been to let Thailand be Thailand.

Lastly, the inclusion of the loudmouth sheriff from Louisiana in Thailand was simply dreadful. I really hope he doesn't come back.

On a scale of pho to phuyuck, I give The Man with the Golden Gun 2.86 out of 5 stars.

As a child of the 80's, I basically think of Christopher Lee as old. I'd really only seen him when he was old. It was refreshing to see him as a spry 50 year old.

Live and Let Die (1973)

Rosie Carver: But you couldn't. You wouldn't. Not after what we just done.
James Bond: Well, I certainly wouldn't have killed you before.

James Bond: Butterhook!

Ughhhh so yeah Live and Let Die (L&LD) is the worst of the Bond films as I watch them all. -Others could still yet contend, but....it would be tough.

In his continuing Amero-crentrism, James Bond takes on Voodoo in New Orleans. It's not exactly a world crisis....just a heroin monopoly plot. I would say the only thing going for L&LD is James Seymour. Whose role as Solitaire kept the movie strange and hokey. I think the costume designers were trying to go for the Ming the Merciless or  Evil Unaloq look.
  

The song by Wings -AKA Paul McCartney is fun, if not iconic, vastly superior to the movie.

In short, it was interesting/intriguing/difficult to watch Bond immerse himself in "highly stylized" African American culture of the early 1970s. L&LD seemed to approach the community through the lens of exoticism and magic power -Voodoo, etc. I'm sure they said it was made for "Global" consumption.

I also learned that I had been mispronouncing and misunderstanding Baron Samedi (There is no pronunciation guide to GoldenEye for N64)

Lastly, the addition of the fat, racist, stupid, and unintelligible Louisiana sheriff with a brother-in-law named Billy Bob was just painful to watch. Suddenly, James Bond became Smokey and the Bandit (and this is 4 years before Smokey and the Bandit). [Hey, maybe this is where Buford T Justice and Boss Hog came from?]

On a scale of I just stopped watching to I came back because I wanted to complete the journey, I give Live and Let Die 1.95 out of 5 stars.

Diamond are Forever (1971)

"Refreshing to hear that there is one subject you're not an expert on!" -M

[looking down] "Exceptionally fine shot." -James Bond
"I didn't know there was a pool down there." -Slumber Inc. Attendant

This is not a dig at Diamonds are Forever (DAF) so much as an applaud for the song.  The Title Song: Diamonds are Forever is better than the film it plugs.

Finally a James Bond with plot I can get behind. 1. Steal diamonds. 2. Build diamond refractive solar laser satellite. 3. Extort world. I get it. It's simple. Understandable even -despite its obvious flaws.

Connery is back for DAF, but he looks old; gray hairs even. They also seemed to have let him grow out his eyebrows. Caterpillars. And age seemed to be a theme for DAF.

It's only 1971, but Bond looks stunningly out of place in his white tux on the floor of the casino. It's like he's wearing a tie to a party where the mandatory attire is sweatpants. He being proper, gentlemanly, and groomed only serve as a counter point to the background Americans but to Vegas and his advisaries.  The world went and got itself rather uncouth and ugly in a short amount of time. Bond did not change with it. That is both admirable and rather strange.

This is second Bond to rather brazenly spend an entire movie in the USA. I can only guess that if you were thinking about from where the end of the world would come in 1960-70's the logical choice would be the United States as British films would have had a hard time filming in the USSR. Also, I guess is that the USA was the biggest market for feature production paying audiences. I don't fault Bond makers for these decisions, but for me Bond is European and British, his natural element is in Europe or an exotic local, not Vegas.

It's a shame that I couldn't do anything but laugh at Charles Gray as Ernst Blofeld...all I can think is that he is going to break into the Time Warp.

On a scale of "knowing what IT is" to "having what IT is change", I give Diamonds are Forever 3.5 out of 5 stars.    

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

"This never happened to the other fellow." -James Bond

"He had a lot of guts." -James Bond (A man just fell into a mulching snow blower)

Thesis:  On Her Majesty's Secret Service (OHMSS) is a bad movie, but nowhere near it's reputation.

Yes, this James Bond does not star Sean Connery. That's what I think people don't like about OHMSS. Sean Connery was Bond. George Lazenby is not Connery; therefore he cannot be Bond.

And I think ol' Georgey is done a great disservice for being the Bond flung into the dark fan shadow created by Connery. Anyone would have failed -especially with this movie.

All in all George Lazenby was a completely acceptable if not capable James Bond. Certainly no flash...but certainly little to complain about.

Now the less said about the movie, the better.

The best things about it are....Diana Rigg....and maybe Telly Savalas.

It took 6 movies, but I think I will declare Diana Rigg as the Contessa Tracy Di Vicenzo to be the most/first complete female character of the series.

Yet, I cannot deny the utter failure of the rest of the OHMSS. I think ski based spy films, or even just winter films in general, face an uphill battle, based on geography, weather requirements, and the technical challenges of filming on white; yet something about winter activities and their required gear betray a certain class that just has a shallower appeal. -beaches are free and casual, skiing is about money, gear, glasses, skill, and it's cold.

I just want to take a moment to laugh at the plot. Evil Man moves from Volcano Lair to Chalet of Doom to conduct experiments on beautiful women from across the globe to make them carriers of crop infertility. Then he tries to extort the world.

*Spoilers* And to my knowledge, Ernst Stavro Blofeld was captured when he ran into that tree after the harrowing bobled chase.....but somehow that didn't seem to matter when he showed up to kill the Contessa as a stinger.

So yeah, it's just a bad movie...not spectacularly so.

On a scale of Contessa Tracy Di Vicenzo to Queen of Thorns, I give On Her Majesty's Secret Service 2.4 out of 5 stars.