G.I. Joe II: Retaliation

"We're actually so deep beneath Germany, no laws apply." (Some Administrator)
"Ahhh last hold out North Korea. Gotta love the little guy. don't you?" (Johnathan price doing his very best Patty Duke and Patty Duke or Haley Mills and Haley Mills, pick your favorite.)
"Wait, isn't he? No. That's not right. I don't unde..ohhh huh? OKay...?" (Me throughout the movie.)

Wow! (Slow mocking clap.)  G.I. Joe II: Retaliation, you made my weekend.  You were clearly the funniest and most story worthy thing that happened to me in a 48 period.  Congratulations!

But seriously, I considered revoking the term "movie" as a pejorative to describe you and the drivel that was splattered on the screen nonsensically.  Wow!  I would never really demand my money back for a film, but I accidentally paid my 2 dollars in special quarters that I had been saving for the past six months so, YEAH, you owe me at least one of those national park quarters back.

I am thankful that the true stupidity of the G.I. Joe II did no lie on the shoulders of the actors.  Congratulations to all of you in this film for taking what must have been a script entirely written by an 8th grader who just discovered the font papyrus, and making it into the very best story you could.

But, to the directors, the editors, the producers, the hole checkers, and story writers, shame on you.  SHAME.  To make a passable G.I. Joe film from my understanding the only thing that you have to do right is to have slow moving longer shot fight scenes so little kids can get pumped and see their heroes fight.  But, the makers of this Joe film decided that the best way to film any action sequence was through frenetic camera shakes on a handheld, and so many cuts that it would make an MTV film editor blush.  I honestly couldn't follow any fight and didn't know who to root for until one character was standing over another.  I'm going to skip raving about how ridiculous the skyrope attack/escape from secret cobra hospital sequence due to it's pure distilled idiocy.  No one need talk about it again.  Ever.  (Why is your secret cobra hospital on the side of Himalayas to begin with?  How do the patients get there? How does the stuff?  Why put a healing center there?)  But, I must not leave out the directors and editors from this bashing.  Was there a conscious decision to ignore the rules of time and space for the purposes of this movie?  If you did, kudos.  But, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you just forgot to even think about it.  Characters travel thousands of miles in the space of few cuts, without vehicles, and without time passing.  Supposedly, the movie is set over a 48 hr period, but when the 48 hr starts no satellites are in orbit, no nuclear summit has been called, our character are either underneath Germany, in Iraq, or in Japan (oh yeah the RZA.),  Yet, even as all of those characters globe trot and don't sleep, the Cobra manages to launch a global satellite network and hold an impromptu nuclear summit at Fort Sumter all within those 48hrs.  Oh and no I didn't notice that you used the exact same cut back of a tank charging through the desert as a filler twice to enhance that the assault on Fort Sumter.  (South Carolina is in the desert. Right?)

Ratings

Critics:  Please Please Please YES!!

Channing Tatum.  I hope you got paid more because you became a star after filming your brief scene and they used you in all of their promotional materials.

Real or Fake Ninjas:  Skip it

Directors: Skip it

G.I. fans:  Skip it (It has sullied the franchise.)

On a scale from "cause, knowledge is power" to "the more you know", I give G.I. Joe II .75 out of 5 stars.