The Beastmaster (1982)

"Don't move. The beast is fierce. But if we show no fear, we might escape." -Dar

I have very fond memories of watching The Beastmaster when I was little. I remember enjoying the idea of having animal friends, being frightened by the prospect of ear leeches, and terrified by the idea of child sacrifice in a burning pit to a demon god. If you had asked me then, at the age of 9 or 10, I would have said The Beastmaster was an excellent movie.

But, somewhere in those intervening years, I changed. I lost something. I lost the very thing that allowed me to look beyond The Beastmaster's faults. I grew up. When I watched it this time, The Beastmaster was painful to view.  The dialogue is stilted.  There are glaring editing errors. The plot doesn't quite make sense, and its terror was negligible. This makes me both happy to know that I see with clear eyes, but sad that the magic of film is now diminished.

On a totally different point. I didn't realise that The Beastmaster came out just 3 months after Conan: The Barbarian. (And I can't help but compare them, -It seems obvious to me that Conan: The Barbarian is the better film.) Why were two fantasy films about about shirtless greased up men in the desert made at near the same time? Was there some need in Hollywood to find a way to recapture muscled masculinity in the early 80's? Could they both be a cultured response to the election of Regean? Perhaps our laconic muscled heroes serve as allegory for America taking down the dark power of Russia? Or there was a concern that youths interested in fantasy would turn out soft; and that muscle-bound heroes could save western/American culture from decay? The simplest explanation is that two companies came across the same ideas at the same time and backed two different horses around the same concept: Ala Deep Impact and Armageddon.

Bright spots for The Beastmaster include the performances of John Amos and Rip Torn. Neither were remarkable, but both were serviceable.

On a scale of 1 Falcon, 1 Panther, and  2 Ferrets to 1 Polar Bear, 2 Shadowcats, 1 Bear, 1 Eagle, and 1 wolf, I give The Beastmaster 2.1 out of 5 stars. 

Captain Fantastic (2016)

"Happy Noam Chomsky day!" -Ben Cash
"I said no more esperonto!" -Ben Cash

I loved this movie. It was weird. It was insightful. Messy, direct, utopian, barbaric. It was joyful. And it was sad. I won't go so far as to say Captain Fantastic is a classic, but I foresee it becoming a midnight movie in the future.  I suggest going out of your way for Captain Fantastic, but if it just happens across you screen, stop and enjoy.   Don't be fooled by its mirth. There is a darkness beneath that makes it both beautiful and ugly.

The major question I had about Captain Fantastic both during and after is: "How far is too far?"  When does distance from the herd come at a cost that is too great? Societies (as a general concept) exist because of the diminishing returns of self-reliance and the comfort we experience in being part of a whole; yet we (some/all) seek to be free of these shackles. Why? Is it just our nature? Case in point from the film: one of the children gets hurt rock climbing. The father's response is -"There's no cavalry. No one will magically appear and save you in the end." -A retort of that there is no safety net. There is no society. There is nothing but you. Is this appropriate? Too far? Not far enough? Is it cruel or kind? I honestly don't know. What I have to imagine is that these children have heard these kinds of lessons their whole lives. In my mind, repetition is behavioral/mental training. Is this righteous parenting/molding or abuse? For the purposes of the movie, I appreciate this chance to explore the ambiguity.

A secondary topic that came to mind from Captain Fantastic was: "What are results? -in terms of education, and humans. Ben Cash puts forth his answer with a series of questions to his nephews and his 8 year old. From his perspective, his little one trounces her much older cousins -who sound like gibbering baboons. Game, Set, Match. Yet,  his oldest son screams that he knows nothing and that it is Ben's fault. He feels damaged by the process of his childhood, a process that got him accepted into Harvard, Yale, etc.  Are results worth it? Who set the standards of judgement and metrics? Do the results justify the means? We, the viewer, are looking at the cost and glory of myopic results obsession played out on the psyches of children. It's both beautiful and grotesque.

Obviously, if these were the only parts of Captain Fantastic, it would be a slog. So, I tip my cap to the actors and the director, Matt Ross, for bringing enough love into the film so as to carry the day. I even appreciated the use of the book Lolita as a startling juxtaposition to what is on screen. We empathise. We understand. We reject it. We love it, and we hate it.  All at once.

I end now with small quip, I really disliked the use of "Sweet Child of Mine" at the funeral fire. Something about that choice is just wrong.

On a scale of scattered ashes on The Dude to ashes down the toilet at the airport, I give Captain Fantastic 4.15 out of 5 stars.

*I usually don't put much stock in or care about The Oscars..but Viggo Mortensen really is worthy of a Best Actor nod.  I hope he wins.* #ViggoFTW

Elvis & Nixon (2016)

"I want to be an FBI agent at large." -Elvis Presley

Elvis & Nixon, while not a good movie, is an amazing premise and idea. The idea is so good it almost carries the whole movie.

Here are some reasons to see it.

Michael Shannon: He does an amazing Elvis.  He even out Elvis's his impersonators.
Kevin Spacey: The man was born to play Nixon. It was fun to watch.
Sheer Insanity: Only the Elvis knew what it was to be Elvis, but it must have been singular.
Oh and if you are a fan of pseudo-history or just alternate-history, consider the idea that Elvis was an actual FBI agent at large.
I think this might be Johnny Knoxville's best film.

Here are some reasons not to see it. 

It doesn't make a ton of sense.
Nothing is resolved.
There is no clear plot.

Here's something to ponder.

When does celebrity status allow one to just be crazy. Do you just push the envelope of what your stardom will tolerate before it breaks? I think there is a small chance the Elvis was just trolling everyone. Just being weird to see how far he could take it.

On a scale of Jailhouse Rock Elvis to Burning Love Elvis, I give Elvis & Nixon 2.0 out of 5 stars.

Independence Day: Resurgence (2016)

"You peed your pants?" -Jake Morrison
"-Yeahhh" -David Levinson

I really don't want to talk about this.  ID:2 just doesn't deserve my time, energy, or interest. I believe this. But, like a bureaucrat who must follow the rules no matter what, I watched this fetid sock; therefore I have to write this review.

I do not recommend ID:Resurgence for anyone with eyes or ears. (This includes animals.)

I found nothing about it redeeming. Terrible script. Clunker of a plot. Painful acting. Laughable effects, and just a soul sucking denouement.

I forgive a few actors for being in this clown car without wheels -Brent Spiner and Jeff Goldblum. That's really it.

*I think this is a recurring theme, but I smell the unmistakable scent of corporate marketing in this film. They wanted ID:2 to sell tickets in China. Therefore, they included a Chinese commander and a beautiful Chinese space pilot with a hack love story. -I am in favor of broadening the scope and target audiences of films.  Everyone should watch foreign films, but I dislike the taste of blatant corporate decision making in what should be art. ^So I guess, I'm okay with this........because ID: 2 is not art.*

On a scale of gum on my shoe to kissing a heavy smoker, I give Independence Day: Resurgence 1.1 out of 5 stars.

Jason Bourne (2016)

"There's a problem at the heart of Deep Dream" -Aaron Kaloor

Yeesshh....I am not particularly tech savvy, but even I know that all of the tech and all of the talk about technology in Jason Bourne was just pathetic.  Awful.  Cringe-worthy.

And the worst part of all their tech-speak was that it was a central pillar of the plot. It made the whole movie laughable. (I laughed at it. Often.) It was a bad movie without it...Jason Bourne was a car crash disaster that you can totally look away from with it.

Not a single actor gave a passable performance. Tommy Lee Jones just looked like he wanted a check. The Greek scenes were confusing and understood nothing of Greeks, their politics, or their city. The stand in for Zucks was contrite and a hopelessly stupid way to be relevant with the kiddos. The kicker to all this is that all of this was shot on handheld cameras that shake and jostle enough to make a tilta-whirl vomit.

In short, I wish I hadn't seen Jason Bourne.

* Here's a question:  How do you make technology cool again on screen? Upload or download sequences to add tension don't work.  Typing and looking at a screen is boring to watch.  It is the opposite of doing things (anything).  I either want a return to spies being spies and having to earn every bit of knowledge. Alternatively, we can look for ways to make tech meaningful again. Right now it is a boring crutch of a magic wand on screen that allows for lazy writing and poor acting.

On a scale of upload the virus to download the (insert relevant intelligence or money or desired object), I give Jason Bourne 1.3 out of 5 stars. 

Rogue One (2016)

"Rebellions are built on hope." -Jynn Erso

What a sad tale. Really sad. It's a testament to the creators of Rogue One that we cared about new characters enough in such a short amount of time that their deaths provoked emotion. It was like a Charge of the Light Brigade sort of feel. Doom is everywhere, but valor is all, and success lives on.

*I'm a pretty big nerd and each death impressed upon me that the creators of Rogue One seem to have watched Beast Wars and love the death of Dinobot.* Death of Dinobot

Rogue One also impressed upon me the terror of wearing white.  It is a far scarier color than black.  If the villain is wearing white, he/she just seems to have a touch more of evil. Director Crennig's white military uniform with cape was superb.

On a scale of city killer to planet killer, I give Rogue One 3.6 out of 5 stars.