The Martian (2015)

"I am officially out of ketchup." -Mark Watney

"Well, Mars would fall under maritime law..." -Venkat Kapoor

"If we are going to have a secret project called "Elrond", then I want my code name to be "Glorfindel"." -Teddy Sanders

"Rich Purnell is a steely-eyed missile man." -Ares 3 crew

A review of The Martian in 3 poems

#1
Antiquated technology
Positive role models in science
One step at a time
Life is hard to sustain
Long live disco
Oxygen?
1 man on a mission
3 molecules in water

2015's look to the future

#2
Mars vs. Matt Damon, Tonight!
With a soundtrack both gaudy and bright
Center-stage go the nerds
time lapses, two-thirds
to combat hexi-decimal fright


#3
Great big pan shots, Woo!!
Space travel is Oregon Trail
Fear of being alone

On a scale of Pluto Nash to the Poseidon Adventure, I give The Martian 3.1 out of 5 stars.

Death to Smoochy (2002)

"Don't get mad at your step-dad. It's not his fault. He's just adjusting." -Smoochy

"The Parade of Hope!. Their the meanest of all the charities." -Bert Bennett

"You know the Clunky Wunky?" -Sheldon Mopes
"Know it? I did it for my first communion." -Nora Wells

"When my brothers and I played cowboys and indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker." -Sheldon Mopes

"Rumple Foreskin" -Rainbow Randolph

"Oh, you too big for your uncle Mort -Mr.Death to Smoochy?" -Jon Stewart, making fun of himself on The Daily Show

Let's make no bones about this.  I love Death to Smoochy.  It is amazing. Others may disagree with me. They are wrong. Pbhhhhhhh!!!!

It is crass. It is tacky. It is rude. It is generally stupid, but Death to Smoochy, is also thoroughly uplifting. The ice show with salt free pretzels, organic apple snacks, and a cathartic shiva for the recently passed Moochy is beautiful. The end credit flying ice dance sequence is also fantastic.

Danny Devito, please feel free to direct more films.

On a scale of Krinkle kids to Rhinettes, I give Death to Smoochy 3.8 out of 5 stars.

Spy (2015)

"As soon as I saw you in that abortion of a dress, as if to say this is what I've got, world. It's hideous, but it's mine." Rayna Boyanov

"I mean, you may never be as wise as an owl, but you'll always be a hoot to me." -Susan Cooper

So, Spy is actually pretty good. Its insults are vulgar, its comedy is reasonably well timed, the cast is delightful. I could go into some negative points, but why? If you want to laugh a good bit to a comedic spy-thriller with a twist. Go for it. I want to talk about something else.

I've noticed a trend that when an actor makes it big, (comedian, dramatic, romantic..whatever), there is just this push that they must make an action movie. I bet studio execs call it the gun test. "Can (insert name of new star) carry a gun and pull it off?" If they can, they are a bankable star.  If they cannot, their future is more limited. My hunch is that this has something to do with the push away from comedy and drama towards action as it translates better to foreign markets. Chinese movie goers might not get American jokes or love, but they do understand explosions and guns.  As a single point of evidence for my thought, I consider that all of the movies for Melissa McCarthy post Bridesmaids have been gun related: Tammy, The Heat, and now Spy. (Emily Blunt is falling into this category, too.) Melissa has proven that she can carry a gun. I expect that we will see her in more action based films from here on out.  It's strange to think of violent movies as the one thing we all understand around the world...but that seems to be the way of it.

On a scale of a pink sweatshirt wearing Iowan with 3 cats on her first trip to Paris to a red dress wearing Parisian with 3 poodles on her first trip to Iowa, I give Spy 2.8 out of 5 stars.